Just Breathe

I'm Pregnant....It's s weird because when I say those words it sounds so emotionless coming out of my mouth. And sadly that is sort of the way I have felt since I found out. Actually let me re-phrase that. I have been trying not to feel the many emotions that are trying so hard to fill my head. Both happy and sad emotions. Until we confirm Monday with another blood test.
Let's rewind to Thursday when I went to my Dr. appt.. They took my blood and then I went in to have the ultrasound done. I was expecting to see that my lining was slowly thinning as AF was due that day or Friday the latest. Well my lining was still exactly the same as it was last week. Also my cyst shrank a bit and was only about 1cm. So that was good. I asked the Dr. if the Clomid could cause a delay with AF and he said usually not. He sounded kind of excited and told me not to worry as I asked about plans for next month. I was so sure there was no way I was PG. I had absolutely no symptoms. And my last two PG's I had very sore breasts before I even knew I was PG. So doc told us they would give us a call later after the labs came back. I said ok, not feeling at all excited about being told once again that I'm not PG.
Finally around 4pm a got a call from their office. I remember the nurse sounded a bit cheerful on the phone and I was thinking, gosh she is awfully cherry to tell someone they are not PG! So then she says, I have some good news! Your PG! I think a few seconds passed before I realized I hadn't said anything. She goes, honey are you ok?? Are you crying?? I said, no I can't breathe!! She then started laughing. I realized I really wasn't breathing. And then started the crying. And then the disbelief. I had told her also that morning that I had no symptoms and was sure I wasn't PG. She had said how every PG is different and you never know.
My HCG was 46, Progesterone 26.7
I honestly was so excited at first and then the fear started to creep in. There is absolutely no PG innocence here. Two miscarriages have unfortunately robbed me of that. And I think the fact that I have no symptoms is really making this hard to believe also. It's really so sad and horrible that I feel this way but I can't help it. I just have this feeling that something is not right. Maybe all this really has made me crazy!
And then this whole thing with the stupid PG tests. I decided to take one Friday morning to have one to take a picture of. I took the test when I woke up and discovered a very faint line. This seemed odd to me but I really have been trying not to think much about it. (which is not working out that great) I took another test Saturday and Sunday morning. The lines have not gotten any darker at all. And today I am 16 DPO.(which can usually produce a pretty dark line) I kind of wish I did not retest again the last two days. If my levels aren't doubling, as they should be every 48 hours, then there really is nothing I can do at this point anyways.
I go for another blood test tomorrow morning and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death of what they are going to tell me. And it totally sucks because again I have to wait until after 4pm to get my results. Well at least they tell me the same day.
And if my results are great then I will throw all these stupid pee tests away and just be happy that for now I still have no symptoms!!! And I will do my best to try to enjoy some of this PG and not let my fears take over every joy that I have been robbed of before.
I am just so scared of this not working. It has been 6 months of TTC. And my biggest fear was that after it took this long just to get a BFP, that we would have another miscarriage. And then what? Start this all over again?? To know now my chances would be even greater of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I could.... Please pray for us.

*************************UPDATE******************************

Forgot to put a pic of the beautiful flowers hubby got me Thursday when we got the results.