Sunday, August 23, 2009

Just Breathe

I'm Pregnant....It's s weird because when I say those words it sounds so emotionless coming out of my mouth. And sadly that is sort of the way I have felt since I found out. Actually let me re-phrase that. I have been trying not to feel the many emotions that are trying so hard to fill my head. Both happy and sad emotions. Until we confirm Monday with another blood test.
Let's rewind to Thursday when I went to my Dr. appt.. They took my blood and then I went in to have the ultrasound done. I was expecting to see that my lining was slowly thinning as AF was due that day or Friday the latest. Well my lining was still exactly the same as it was last week. Also my cyst shrank a bit and was only about 1cm. So that was good. I asked the Dr. if the Clomid could cause a delay with AF and he said usually not. He sounded kind of excited and told me not to worry as I asked about plans for next month. I was so sure there was no way I was PG. I had absolutely no symptoms. And my last two PG's I had very sore breasts before I even knew I was PG. So doc told us they would give us a call later after the labs came back. I said ok, not feeling at all excited about being told once again that I'm not PG.
Finally around 4pm a got a call from their office. I remember the nurse sounded a bit cheerful on the phone and I was thinking, gosh she is awfully cherry to tell someone they are not PG! So then she says, I have some good news! Your PG! I think a few seconds passed before I realized I hadn't said anything. She goes, honey are you ok?? Are you crying?? I said, no I can't breathe!! She then started laughing. I realized I really wasn't breathing. And then started the crying. And then the disbelief. I had told her also that morning that I had no symptoms and was sure I wasn't PG. She had said how every PG is different and you never know.
My HCG was 46, Progesterone 26.7
I honestly was so excited at first and then the fear started to creep in. There is absolutely no PG innocence here. Two miscarriages have unfortunately robbed me of that. And I think the fact that I have no symptoms is really making this hard to believe also. It's really so sad and horrible that I feel this way but I can't help it. I just have this feeling that something is not right. Maybe all this really has made me crazy!
And then this whole thing with the stupid PG tests. I decided to take one Friday morning to have one to take a picture of. I took the test when I woke up and discovered a very faint line. This seemed odd to me but I really have been trying not to think much about it. (which is not working out that great) I took another test Saturday and Sunday morning. The lines have not gotten any darker at all. And today I am 16 DPO.(which can usually produce a pretty dark line) I kind of wish I did not retest again the last two days. If my levels aren't doubling, as they should be every 48 hours, then there really is nothing I can do at this point anyways.
I go for another blood test tomorrow morning and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death of what they are going to tell me. And it totally sucks because again I have to wait until after 4pm to get my results. Well at least they tell me the same day.
And if my results are great then I will throw all these stupid pee tests away and just be happy that for now I still have no symptoms!!! And I will do my best to try to enjoy some of this PG and not let my fears take over every joy that I have been robbed of before.
I am just so scared of this not working. It has been 6 months of TTC. And my biggest fear was that after it took this long just to get a BFP, that we would have another miscarriage. And then what? Start this all over again?? To know now my chances would be even greater of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I could.... Please pray for us.

Forgot to put a pic of the beautiful flowers hubby got me Thursday when we got the results.


  1. nicole, i cannot tell you how excited and happy i am, i started reading and screaming, mike was paniced, whats wrong, i said they are pregnant he said who??!!! i told am and hes so happy too! ok, i'm praying for you two, love you!!!!

  2. I am soooooo happy for you. It give's me hope that Clomid DOES do something!!! I know your scared, but try yo be positive.
    Keep me posted!!!
    Love ya.

  3. Oh Nicole!!! I read that first sentence and got butterflies!! I can't believe it!! I will be praying for you NONSTOP!!! Congratulations!!

  4. I am praying that tomorrow you hear again "You are pregnant"! Love you!

  5. I am crying such happy, hopeful tears for you & Chris! I am praying that all goes well, please keep me posted!!!!!

  6. Congratulations!!! Clomid worked for me the very first time, so I know it works! Keep us all updated!

  7. YES!!! we couldn't be more happy for you and chris! we are praying for smooth sailing! good luck we love you! d andy callie and baby!!

  8. I'm thinking about you and praying for great results today.

  9. Always in my prayers....And I'm always here if you need me..
    P.S. love the flowers.. ;)
    Love you guys!!

  10. My breath skipped when I read the first two words in your post!!! I know how scary this time may be but just remember that you ARE pregnant and that means a little miracle is growing inside you RIGHT NOW - just keep the bad thoughts away as best you can - I am so happy for you and I will be praying for you!!

  11. I'm so rediculously happy for you and at the same time I am so rediculously scared for you. I so hope there is only good news for tomorrow at 4pm. My stomach has butterflies for you!! I even started getting emotional reading your blog. I had to read the first line like 5 times!!!!! ;) I was like ugh oh I'm crying.
    Oh my god I am crying!!!! And they are happy tears!!!!! I have been waiting for these tears for 6 months now!! I will try to pray well I have never done it before!! Lol but all my bestest thoughts and hopes are with you!! Oh and Give Chris a big hug and kiss for me!!
    Well goodnight.
    Talk to you tomorrow!! Xxxooo

  12. my heart is bursting with joy for you and chris! i know you don't want to jump the gun and let your guard down and get too exctied prematurly. but everyone handles things differently and i feel excited. i think it is a great sign that you don't have any symptoms this time. the last 2 pg you DID have symptoms and those both had bad outcomes!! it would be great if there was a xanax type med that was safe for pregnancy to help us not worry so much. i know you will never be at peace with the pregnancy until you actually hold the baby in your arms. as you well know the mind fucks with us pretty good! hopefully you can mind fuck yourself to your advantage and just try to be as positive and optimistic as you can. i am sure that is easier said than done. i look at things like this with the mind set that no matter what i think or feel or react to isnt gonna change the outcome. it is what it is and worrying and stressing and suffering wont make any difference in the slightest. so if the outcome turns bad atleast a positive outlook and stable mind with help deal with the situation a little easier. and if you are only happy and excited for a short time that is better than never feeling the joy at all. don't let the 2 past experiences rob you of your happiness. this has been a long hard miserable road for you this year and you deserve a break and a little joy! i wish i could tell you that once the pregnancy is over that the fear and stress is over but it has only turned into more. so you will never stop stressing about that little life. for now take care of youself try to relax take slow deep breaths when you feel scared. listen to your body and hold on for the ride. we wish you lots of love and luck. we will continue to pray for you guys! love d

  13. Matt and I are soooooooo happy for you! Thank you for sharing and do exactly what you titled this... JUST BREATH... and try to relax and enjoy this. We love you!!