Monday, August 31, 2009

So Surreal

Levels are doubled again like they should.
Beta=1,432 and Progesterone=22
My progesterone was a little lower, but she also said it could be because I hadn't put my morning one it yet. Oops! My appt. was 7:45am and I was trying not to be late this morning. So I grabbed the progesterone and figured I would just put it in once I got to work. She said I really should put it in before my appt. because as soon as you insert it it starts to be absorbed in your body. So next time I will make sure I do that!
I think some people I have told are probably thinking I sound a little like I didn't just get great news. And honestly to me I can even hear it in my voice. My Mom said she thinks I am still a bit numb to everything. It's just still so surreal for some reason to me. I haven't even really gotten very anxious. Maybe because I haven't even convinced myself still that I am PG. And I still have no symptoms, which I know many women would take as a blessing.
Chris was breathing heavy on the phone when I called him. I think he has been more anxious/stressed than me. He said he had been waiting all day and was so relieved to hear good levels again. Don't get me wrong I am happy they are still rising. Maybe it's going to take the ultrasound picture to make this more real to me. Even though we know all to well that once we see our baby's little heart beating, doesn't mean we are in the clear. What it does mean is I will probably officially fall in love and pray to god my heart doesn't get torn again.
I re-posted all my blogs from my last PG. I still had them on here but had made them private. I figured our last baby was the reason I made this blog so I decided to put them back on here. As they are definitely part of our Journey. As I re-read them I realize now how I have healed over the past 7 months. As I read the words and realize how much love I already had for our baby. How excited we were. It make's me sad but also I think I am more at peace now with it.
So Friday we go for our first ultrasound and more blood work. I feel as if I may pass out on the table?? Seriously though, it has only been a few hours since I talked with their office and thinking about Friday is scaring the shit out of me. I feel like the thought of reliving that last ultrasound of our last PG when they could no longer find a heartbeat. But I am not totally flipping out yet and I am going to continue to just breathe & realize I am in good hands and we are doing everything we can to make sure things go as well as is possible. Everything else is out of our hands. So this evening I put my hands on my belly. And for the first time I recognized my little bean that is hopefully growing strong. And I told it that I will do everything I can to make it safe these next 34 1/2 weeks and if it could just be so strong for Mommy and hold on for that time.
Again thank you everyone for your prayers and thinking of us. I think it's working so please continue to pray for us!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

We continue to hope for a miracle

Today is 21dPO and I went in this morning for another level check. They finally called just after 6pm!!!! (at this point i figured the news was not gonna be good) After last weekends levels not even doubling in 96hrs this time in 72hrs they more than doubled!! (they should double every 48hrs)
I was honestly blown away! We are still by no means in the clear. This is still low for 21 DPO. * At 21 DPO, the average HCG level is 1061 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 324-4130 mIU/ml.* As the nurse said, usually slowly rising numbers can lead to a miscarriage. But the important thing to think about now is that they doubled this time. So now I go again Monday and we hope and pray that they continue to double. I am to stay on the progesterone as it is obviously working for now.
It still makes me a bit sad that we can not be totally ecstatic/happy/joyful as most women are after they find out they are PG. I knew it would be hard this 3rd PG after two miscarriages. Your innocence to PG has been taken and so to avoid your heart from being totally crushed you protect your feelings and try to feel numb to the fact of actually being PG again. Even though I know once we get to see our little life we created on that ultrasound our guard will be weakened.
I just wasn't prepared for a scare so early. We have been on pins and needles so far and I can't even believe it has only been 1 week since we found out we are finally PG after 6 months of TTC. To try and not be totally paranoid over everything, this is what I told myself the past 7 months since our last miscarriage. I have actually been really good since monday. I just assumed this PG was never going to be. Now I have some renewed hope. So I am just going to go with it and see what Monday brings. Please continue to pray for us. It brings tears to my eyes when I read/hear so much love for us and this possible baby. To know we have so many that want this so very much for us also. I think Chris will be a great Daddy. And I will do everything in my power to be the best Mommy possible to our child.
**I also wanted to say a little prayer for my friend Megan. This is her 3rd month on Clomid (& last as her dr only allows 3 cycles of Clomid) and 2nd IUI cycle. She is TTC her 1st child and I hope this month her wishes come true!**

Monday, August 24, 2009

Guess I wasn't crazy...but wishing that was it

Well the explanation for the pee tests not getting any darker and still having no PG symptoms is not me just simply being crazy in the head. As much as I wish that it was. Went for level check this morning. Dr.'s office called this evening. Of course I didn't have a paper and pen & forgot the exact number for my levels but here are around what I think she said. (i will be calling tom. morning to ask again)
Bad news. My Beta/HCG did not even double. For those that don't know, your levels should double about every 48 hours. It has been over 96hrs.
I believe she said my HCG was 78 and my progesterone also dropped to I believe 14. She would like me to start Progesterone suppositories tonight. They are hoping this might help and my levels will catch up. When levels are not rising properly in the beginning this usually means an inevitable miscarriage. I go for a level check again Thursday to see if the Progesterone helped or if I am going to have another loss.
So now we wait yet again and hope for what feels like the impossible. If it is inevitable the progesterone will do nothing and I will miscarry. I am glad that if it does happen again that it happens sooner than later. Last time seeing our baby's heartbeat was just too hard when we lost it.
Someone once said to me, "Sweetie, you will never get over your losses, you will only get through them." These words echo through my mind whenever I am sad. No one knows the pain of miscarriage unless they have been through it. I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy. Surprisingly I haven't cried yet. Then again I think I have gone a bit numb with all this lately. And now our little angel's due date is fastly approaching next month so I'm sure I will have plenty of time for crying then. If this PG works I was hoping I would only shed a few happy tears that day. If we have another loss I can just imagine it will be a very dark day for us.
Thank you all for your prayers. I just don't know with all the love & prayers we are given how this could even happen to us again???

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Just Breathe

I'm Pregnant....It's s weird because when I say those words it sounds so emotionless coming out of my mouth. And sadly that is sort of the way I have felt since I found out. Actually let me re-phrase that. I have been trying not to feel the many emotions that are trying so hard to fill my head. Both happy and sad emotions. Until we confirm Monday with another blood test.
Let's rewind to Thursday when I went to my Dr. appt.. They took my blood and then I went in to have the ultrasound done. I was expecting to see that my lining was slowly thinning as AF was due that day or Friday the latest. Well my lining was still exactly the same as it was last week. Also my cyst shrank a bit and was only about 1cm. So that was good. I asked the Dr. if the Clomid could cause a delay with AF and he said usually not. He sounded kind of excited and told me not to worry as I asked about plans for next month. I was so sure there was no way I was PG. I had absolutely no symptoms. And my last two PG's I had very sore breasts before I even knew I was PG. So doc told us they would give us a call later after the labs came back. I said ok, not feeling at all excited about being told once again that I'm not PG.
Finally around 4pm a got a call from their office. I remember the nurse sounded a bit cheerful on the phone and I was thinking, gosh she is awfully cherry to tell someone they are not PG! So then she says, I have some good news! Your PG! I think a few seconds passed before I realized I hadn't said anything. She goes, honey are you ok?? Are you crying?? I said, no I can't breathe!! She then started laughing. I realized I really wasn't breathing. And then started the crying. And then the disbelief. I had told her also that morning that I had no symptoms and was sure I wasn't PG. She had said how every PG is different and you never know.
My HCG was 46, Progesterone 26.7
I honestly was so excited at first and then the fear started to creep in. There is absolutely no PG innocence here. Two miscarriages have unfortunately robbed me of that. And I think the fact that I have no symptoms is really making this hard to believe also. It's really so sad and horrible that I feel this way but I can't help it. I just have this feeling that something is not right. Maybe all this really has made me crazy!
And then this whole thing with the stupid PG tests. I decided to take one Friday morning to have one to take a picture of. I took the test when I woke up and discovered a very faint line. This seemed odd to me but I really have been trying not to think much about it. (which is not working out that great) I took another test Saturday and Sunday morning. The lines have not gotten any darker at all. And today I am 16 DPO.(which can usually produce a pretty dark line) I kind of wish I did not retest again the last two days. If my levels aren't doubling, as they should be every 48 hours, then there really is nothing I can do at this point anyways.
I go for another blood test tomorrow morning and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death of what they are going to tell me. And it totally sucks because again I have to wait until after 4pm to get my results. Well at least they tell me the same day.
And if my results are great then I will throw all these stupid pee tests away and just be happy that for now I still have no symptoms!!! And I will do my best to try to enjoy some of this PG and not let my fears take over every joy that I have been robbed of before.
I am just so scared of this not working. It has been 6 months of TTC. And my biggest fear was that after it took this long just to get a BFP, that we would have another miscarriage. And then what? Start this all over again?? To know now my chances would be even greater of another miscarriage. I just don't know if I could.... Please pray for us.

Forgot to put a pic of the beautiful flowers hubby got me Thursday when we got the results.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Am I?!?! Broken that is?? And why?? Still yet to be answered?? So many questions....and yet still no solid answers. And yet again I ask, why do I seem to be broken???
I caved and took a test this morning. Today is 13DPO so I knew I was able to get an answer, even though I knew once again what it would be. BFN. No symptoms and I was honestly not surprised and took it relatively well this time. Although I think my little break down Sunday when the spotting started wore me out.
I have my appt. tomorrow to see my Dr.. I am hoping AF will be here in the morning. Otherwise he doesn't like to talk about "what's next" until he has the negative blood results proving I'm not pregnant. Even though it usually shows on the Ultrasound that the lining is thinning. Oh well, like I said I hope for this reason AF doesn't wait until Friday so we can start talking about what's next because at this point I have no idea anymore!! Also I want to talk to him about taking Clomid again or not. It is not 100% certain but they do say Clomid is linked to Ovarian cancer. And as some of you know my Mom was diagnosed and almost died from Ovarian cancer at the age of 34. I am almost 30. I am going to remind him of this and discuss if there are any other options at this point. Like I said I just don't know anymore. My hope I had when we first started seeing him is slowly fading as each month goes by. Having a baby is supposed to be the best time in your life! And yet I cry each week, month that goes by and still no baby for us. And I can't help but feel that I'm letting my husband down. As we look around at so many friends becoming parent's and the new joy in their lives.
I will update after our visit tomorrow and hopefully have some answers and newly fulfilled hope for next month.
This is just a little email my friend Megan sent me today. It made me cry, but with a smile. She has never been PG either and her and her husband are also seeing an RE and have also been on the TTC journey for awhile now. It is so nice having her to talk with. It's funny how something like this brings two people who were just acquaintances and now have become good friends.

I am so sorry. It is such an emotional roller coaster- I haven't been through half the stuff you have & I also have that feeling sometimes of needing a therapist. It is so tuff, and unfortunately no one understands it unless they have been there. It isn't as easy as just "staying positive". It is even harder not knowing the answers, and no one can tell you why. At least if it was clear on why this is happening (i.e.- a disease or something) you could have something to blame it on. But since it isn't that cut & dry, you just start to blame yourself, which can really take a toll on you. You started going to the doctor to help understand why you have miscarried, and now, like you said, you are having infertility problems- why?! And with me, I wasn't ovulating on my own, now I am, and I am still not pregnant- why?! I hate that we can't get answers to these questions, I hate that we can't get pregnant. Trying to have a baby is supposed to be a happy time in your life- not a time that makes you want to just cry daily when you see anything that reminds you of having a baby. I know that people have told me that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle- but why won't he allow me to have a baby when I want one so bad. My child would never be unloved or unwanted. We would be great Mom's & our husbands would be great Dad's- so why aren't we? I know that even though I can understand to an extent what you are going through, there is nothing I can say to you that will help you understand why this is happening and how to make you feel better. All I can say is I am sorry, and I am here whenever you need to talk. You have helped me by just being there, so I hope I can do the same for you...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Confused....and just plain upset!

So rewind to my last post Thursday night. I had just went to the Dr.'s that day for a scan and level check. Everything looked great. I mentioned about my sore nipples. What I didn't mention was that it started sometime that day. Also that morning I had some pains before I had a bowel movement and was also constipated a bit. I tried not to let my mind play tricks on me and think too much into it yet. Then Friday same thing. Nipples still sore and stomach pains from bowel movement. These were both two early symptoms with my last PG's. Well Saturday around 6pm I started having some mild crampy feelings. This continued throughout the night. They kind of felt like AF cramps, but AF is not due until Thursday or Friday. So I really wasn't sure what was going on. Then when I woke up Sunday morning and went to the bathroom I looked down at the toilet paper (out of habit as some of you girls know) and saw pinkish blood. Of course I freaked! Also was a little paranoid that my nipples were no longer sore (well my left one was still a tiny bit).
So the rest of the day continued and so did the spotting. The rest of the day was brown spotting and very light. Today the spotting has continued, still very light and only brown. I spoke with my Dr. and he said to just keep my appt. for Thursday. He said it could be a few things at this point and by Thursday hopefully we will have an idea.
1. Could be implantation spotting. Which I doubt. This is because I had two PG symptoms, then some weird cramps, started spotting and then poof symptoms gone. I thought symptoms are supposed to start after the spotting?!?!? (btw i never have nipple soreness with AF)
2. Implantation could have happened Thursday and now I could be having a chemical PG. Which we probably will never know as it is too early. And do I even want to know. That the possibility of another miscarriage is so real!
3. For some reason my period is starting early. Sunday was only 10 DPO and CD24. My period has never come almost a week early!! Then again this is my first month on Clomid so who the hell knows anymore!! Anyone ever had something like this happen from Clomid??
So now I have no idea what is going on and I just wait to see. I have even considered (in my not so sane head anymore) that just maybe there were two eggs released this month. He said it was a possibility. So I think maybe one implanted and didn't work so that's why the symptoms left but now the other implanted which caused the spotting and now maybe I am PG?!?!
Crazy??? Yes I sadly know it is.....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

That's what these meds have made me! As if IF patients aren't already an emotional mess. Then the meds they pump you with tweak everything!! Interesting is the word I choose to use for this month. I'm sure the hubby would choose a different one. *wink, wink*
So back to my last post. Last Wednesday night Chris got to give me my Ovidrel shot. This is my first month. Last month dr.'s office gave me the HCG shot 3 days after ovulation because I was not on the Clomid and the HCG was to help the corpus luteum.
So back to the shot. Such a small needle as some of you women know, but I have to say....I freaked a bit! lol It was just so weird having the hubby do it. And in the stomach, nun the less, so I couldn't really help but look! I took a pic. lol We try to make some humor out of all this every once in awhile. Lighten the mood a bit.
Anyhow the shot of course didn't even hurt. The following night around 6pm I started getting my good ole ovulation pain/tweaks. On the right side, just as my dr. had said. I wish there was some way to know if both the bigger follies let off an egg. Oh well, probably better I don't because if I knew I had two eggs this month and still wasn't able to get PG I think that would be a double blow.
Sunday night we went to my Mom's for a great Turkey dinner she decided to have. Ever since I was a little girl my Mom and I had a tradition of making a wish and breaking the Turkey bone. And I have won almost every time! She calls me a cheater but I'm really not! I just inspect the bone to see which side I think will break off the bigger piece and it works almost every time.
So this time my Mom gave Chris and I the bone to take home and do together. Tuesday once the bone had completely dried/hardened we made a wish and pulled! Here is a pic I took with my phone.... Guess who had the bigger half. ;o) (winner is the one with the bigger piece)
Today I went for my f/up for blood work to check levels and an ultrasound. Ultrasound showed the blood flow around my right ovary where I ovulated. (not sure how all that works still but I know that is good when they see that. Means you ovulated) As usual my lining also looked really good. Now we just pray we finally had a good egg that wanted to be fertilized!! Oh and he also saw a cyst on my left ovary which looked huge on their flat screen but of course wasn't as big as they magnify it. It measured 3cm. Nothing for now to worry about. We will see if it's still there next week.
One more week wait and I really am trying not to think about it this time, but not being very successful with that. I always cave on the last week of the 2ww. And my nipples are sore from the stupid Ovidrel and that is playing major mind game's on me of course. That was my one symptom with my other two PG's that I had very early. And I never have sore boobies with AF. Ever. And I'm the type that hates taking meds. So I really do pray this month works cause I am scared of how crazy it will be if we up the Clomid. But I again remind myself for baby this will all be worth it.
So yet again we wait...
*fingers crossed*

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ovulating already??

FYI- this might get confusing. lol
So my appt. was this morning with my RE. (CD12)
Today was a bit confusing for me! I went in & had blood drawn, of course. Then next came my ultrasound. It showed several follicles under 10mm. Then there are two bigger one's on the right ovary. One that is possibly promising @ 17mm and another at 12mm which he said is still a possibility also.
Now depending what my labs say he said will depend on when i take the Ovidrel shot. He wanted me to call around 4pm to see what my levels showed. Also i bought a Ovulation kit from their office and he told me to test at around 5pm to see what the result is. If negative then I am to test again tomorrow late morning. (first urine is actually not good because it is too concentrated & can give a false +) I have to catch it in time so I can give myself the Ovidrel shot. This obviously has to be done before Ovulation.
Now fast forward to after 4pm this afternoon. I called their office and spoke with the nurse. My levels are starting to rise already! This is really early for me! She said the
Clomid can do this. So I am to test with the kit and then if - do it again tomorrow. And obviously start lots of sex. ;o)
I took the test at 5pm and it was negative. So now I am going to test again tomorrow around 10am. If it is + I am to give myself the shot within a few hours. If not then I go Thursday for another scan (ultrasound) to see how many big follies I have by then. I will obviously have the 17mm, which by then will probably be 20mm or bigger. And the 12mm might be 16mm by then which means we might have two eggs this month!!!! So double our chances of getting PG! Or even twins, which still scares me but whatever. If it means a baby or two that is fine with us.

He did say my lining looks great! Which i guess Clomids one bad thing is it thins the lining. Which is never good. He said that's also why he started me on such a low dose (25mg) a day to see if that would work first. I told him about my cervical mucus being absent this month and he said that could happen from the Clomid but was surprised since i was on such a low dose. (don't know if i will do so well on a high dose!) So we get to try out our Pre-Seed. Anyone else ever used this?? I was also talking with my friend Megan and we were trying to decide if there is a certain size follicle that is the best size?? I had one last month that was probably around 17mm when I ovulate which he said was fine. But her RE always likes her follicles to be over 20mm. She is on a higher dose of Clomid, though.
So we will see what happens the next few days! Praying this one (or two) is a keeper this month!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What the Crap!? A what in my Armpit?!

Well so much for no bad symptoms for me with the Clomid. (besides some mild Hot flashes) Of course I get something that is so uncommon it's not even on the symptom list!!
It all started Wednesday. I took my first pill Tuesday evening and everything seemed fine. On Wednesday after Acupuncture I stopped by my moms for dinner since Chris was on shift. I told her about this sore spot I started feeling weds. morning. Nothing too bad, just when you would feel in my armpit it was tender.
Something similar happened years ago to me. I had a sore/tender spot in my armpit that eventually went away after a week or two. I thought at first it was an ingrown hair but never found a spot that looked like a hair that was ingrown.
So anyways, Thursday I still felt the tender spot there but it was the same so I didn't really think anything of it. Then in the middle of the night I woke up to the same pain but had increased a lot! Now when I even raise my arm or use my left arm to push or lift something it hurts!! I called my mom and she said it could be a lymph node or cyst? So i called my Dr's office and spoke to the nurse who then put me on the phone with my Dr, who then told me it was probably a cyst formed in the breast tissue!!! WTF!!! Are you serious?!?! Only me! lol
So he said no caffeine (which i don't even drink soda) and no chocolate. Also to try and keep a heating bad on it. He said they usually go away on there own but if not he can drain it with a needle! again....WTF!!! You want to stick a needle in my ARMPIT to drain it?!!?!?!
And I still had two more pills to take at this point!! ahhhh!!! If it were to get worse after last nights pill then I was not to take the last one. Which I really just want to finish the dose so it has a chance to work! So I fell a sleep last night with the heating pad in my armpit. Yes it was quite a sight! lol Low and behold I woke up this morning and it worked!!! It is still a bit tender when you push in my Armpit but nothing like yesterday! I can raise my arm now and lift things with no pain. So I am going to stay away from coffee and chocolate and keep my heating pad close by. Also as of yesterday I have been getting bad headaches. Not sure if they are from the Clomid or not but I have one right now that is sooo bad. So I am going to take a little nap.
Visit with RE on Tuesday to see how my follies look. Keeping our fingers crossed again this month that this will work!!
Btw, my pain is still gone since my Acupuncture appt.!! I have also been taking my 9 pills a day of my Herbs she gave me. I just still can't believe it but am definitely not complaining!