9 weeks

So today our lil Pea graduated from an Embryo to a Fetus!! It still is very surreal to me that there is this little being growing rapidly inside of me. I still am having bloating, indigestion and the lovely mostly constant nausea. The nausea has actually been a little worse the last two days. Which is fine with me. As much as I hate the feeling, I am actually grateful for it. I know that may sound weird to some, but to me it let's me know that hopefully it's because lil Pea is growing stronger and bigger every day.
On a different subject one of my fellow blogger friends, JENNIFER , just received some very sad news. When she went for her 9 week scan Friday her baby no longer had a heartbeat. This is now her 4th miscarriage. I feel so sorry for her and her family. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as I am.
This also makes me realize how quickly things can go wrong. As much as we have made it past such a hurdle already, I still realize how something could still happen. We are so in love with our lil Pea and I just can't even let myself think too much about the grief we would feel at this point if something happened. Also knowing how long it took us this time to even get PG. I still have that nasty nagging feeling that is in the back of my head telling me my body cannot make healthy babies and that we might still lose this one. I even think sometimes maybe the drugs are just prolonging the inevitable. But then I think maybe my body just really wasn't ready those two other times. Or maybe some of my eggs aren't the best but the reason it took so long to get PG this time is because somehow my body knew to wait until that "perfect" egg came along that would be our beautiful baby soon. And I have to think this is it as not to drive myself totally insane.
I wish we were going to see our lil Pea this week. You don't know how bad I want to call my dr and say I just can't wait until next week! But I am grateful he at least mentioned I can come in at 10 weeks again instead of waiting until 12 weeks. So until then I will try to patiently wait until next week to see our lil Pea. I think maybe I will have a little sigh of relief if everything is still going good next week and we see our lil Pea and a still perfect heartbeat. And by 12 weeks I have promised myself I will truly start to have fun with this PG. Maybe even go out and buy a little baby book or toy or something!
Until then we continue to pray lil Pea stays strong and continues to grow into our healthy baby we hope to meet in 31 weeks. (or 30 is fine also =))

Be careful what you wish for!

Once upon a time......I said when I get PG again I would even prefer to have morning sickness with my next pregnancy. As a reassurance that things are still ok with baby. I obviously wasn't thinking very clearly! lol Saturday started the nausea. And I have NO idea why they call it morning sickness! Mine is all day nausea, sometimes worse in the evening. I am starting to get used to it. A lot of the time it's like I just need to eat a little something. It's just kind of hard figuring out what to eat and then eating it when you feel like you might just rather vomit. I have been eating several smaller meals a day now. My friend Lauren bought me some preggo pops and those help, but only while they are in your mouth. And then the nausea creeps back in. I have also found Ginger Ale helps. Which is weird because I used to hate that stuff but now I actually seem to like it.
And the saddest part is, even with the constant nausea I still find myself having the occasional doubts that something might have happened to lil Pea. But I am grateful that so far the sickness is not as bad as some other friends I have known that have had it. Hopefully it will stay tolerable without meds as it is now. It does put a bit of a downer on your mood, though. You want me to smile while I feel like vomiting on you?!?! ;-)

So today was our first visit with my new OB. We loved him! Thanks Lauren. And he let us see our lil Pea again!! We could even see lil Pea's arms!! (put a pic in our album) Even after all the tests from my RE's office I still had to have 5 vials of blood drawn. Also he said he wanted me to continue the progesterone until 12 weeks. Yayyyyyy me!! lol
And here is the exciting part!! I thought for sure he was going to say he will see me back at 12 weeks. The nurse started telling me this and he chimes in, well I am sure she is going to want to see baby again before then for some reassurance so we will do a quick scan in 2 weeks (i will be 10wks) and then we will see her again at 12wks. I will actually be having my 12 week scan at the perinatologist. This is when they will be doing the early testing for Down Syndrome, ect.. After giving it much thought hubby and I decided to have this new testing done.
I also asked doc about the Swine Flu vaccine. He said he would advise to me to get it after the 1st trimester. The PG women that have gotten the Swine flu have become very ill from it, which I had heard. This is why they are on the priority list to get the vaccine when it becomes available next month. I am still uncomfortable with the whole thing but if I take the chance and do get the virus the only treatment is not approved for PG women. So it is what it is.
I also asked my dr. how he feels about me buying a Fetal Doppler. He said he wasn't going to tell me either way what to do. It does not harm the baby at all. BUT....he said what is going to happen when you can't find the heartbeat?? This happens sometimes even when he uses his Doppler. He said if I do get one he would strongly suggest waiting to use it until after 12 weeks. So I guess we have a little more time to think about it. Let me know if any of you ladies have experience with them and what your opinion is??

So we are starting to get very excited now. We are still also very cautious as I am still only 8 weeks but there is no turning back. We are both very in love with our lil Pea already. We just continue to hope things go great and in 4 weeks we will be past the 12 week mark!! It was weird today when they did the ultrasound. I am so used to the RE's office where they measure every little thing! They only measure crown to rump. No sac, ovary or cervix measurements here! Also the measurement was 7wks 6days and going by the last two week measurements from the RE's office I would be 8wks 2days today. But she said that doesn't matter, different machine, ect.. So I am going to stay with what the RE's said. Plus the lady that did the scan was very quick so I wouldn't be surprised if it was just because she wasn't as precise with her measurement as my RE was. And I totally forgot to ask him about my due date. I know most OB's go by your LMP. That would make my due date April 30th. But my RE's office went by measurements which is how I got May 3rd. I guess I will ask in two weeks when I go.
So now I just continue to take it day by day. And how exciting! Monday lil Pea will no longer be an embryo but will be considered a fetus!!

A wonderful yet sad day

Yesterday we went for our weekly ultrasound visit at the RE's office. I think my nerves were more on edge this time than last week! I felt so sick. Maybe because with our last PG we saw the heart beat and then never saw it again? Or because I am slowly letting myself become very attached to our new lil Pea and the thought of losing him/her is already devastating to me. Whatever the reason I was a mess. I can't wait until the day (if ever) I can go to have an ultrasound and actually be excited like most. Not feel like I might vomit any second.
So finally after waiting almost 2 hours (dr was running behind) we were put in a room. At this point I'm doing my breathing, trying to not make our poor lil Pea completely crazy by Mommy's hyperventilating. lol
Of course they have a new ultrasound tech girl. My luck. I love our regular tech. She does the vaginal ultrasound while the dr looks up at the flat screen and takes his notes. Well the new girl finally inserts the wand properly (I won't go into complete detail but yes, she was having trouble with inserting in the correct hole! OMG) and then just stands there not sure if she remembers what is next. Now the normal tech I love usually goes straight to baby so I can see the heart beat. This girl is trying to figure out which buttons to push and at this point I begin to panic. I can see the sac and our baby but laying down I can't see the screen well enough to see the little flicker. Finally I yell, is there a heart beat?!?!?!?!? And my wonderful hubby, who saw it right away, says yes there is. Now I think I have made the new girl completely nervous as she fidgets around trying to do measurements, all the while beating me up inside with the wand. Just then my regular tech comes in to save the day. She helps her out and then finally takes over. Thank god!!!!!!! Baby was still measuring perfect at 7wks 3days. Heart rate went up to 156bpm. She zoomed in and doc showed us where we could see the brain that was forming. He said, looks like you might have a Harvard baby. lol Then he showed us the gut that still is protruding at this point. If you looked closely you could even see the nubs that are starting to come out to form the arms and legs. I could have stared at our lil Pea all day. And then the sad news came. Dr. tells us that to him it looks like the perfect PG. Everything looks perfect so far. He asked if I made an appt. with my OB and I told him yes, for next Wednesday. He then tells me that he thinks we are done here. We no longer need him. I said are you sure??!? Are you sure I don't need to come back again? He says, well you have an appt. with your OB Wednesday? Yes. Then I think you will be in good hands with him and he can handle anything from here. (he knows my OB) I am screaming in my head, NOOOOOOOOO!!! I can't live without my comforting visits each week with you!!!!! But as of not to look totally insane I sadly say Ok. Then after our exam the nurses come to give us a hug goodbye. At this point I am crying and they are yelling at me to stop it before everyone starts crying.
It has been 5 months since we started seeing our RE and yet it feels like so much longer. Going there once, sometimes twice a week you really become close with everyone. And they are all so nice and caring. Nothing like most regular dr offices. We will truly miss them all even though we are grateful to be moving on for good reasons.
So now I have my appt. on Wednesday and I am going to have to beg for an ultrasound if they do not offer. I know OB offices do not like to do them as frequently but I just need it for peace of mind. As to not drive baby and myself totally crazy. I will be 8wks 2days so if we can see again that everything is fine I am going to make myself promise not to go crazy if they tell me I have to wait more than a week for my next scan. I am also still debating about renting a Doppler of our own. I have read about them and you can hear the heart beat around 9-10 weeks on it. Can this really be our baby?? It still can't register in my head that I might be able to carry this baby full term. It's almost like I have convinced myself my body is just not capable of holding and nurturing a baby to full term. But I am trying to just take it day by day for the most part.
Yesterday I also had my appt. with the GI doctor to discuss my lovely IBS flare ups. He did an exam and said I am indeed bloated. Yayyyyyy!! I was totally trying to convince myself that was the reason I look 12 weeks PG already, but thought my head was just trying to find excuses for my new fat. lol I feel like I need maternity pants some days already. Anyways he said I can try with the BeneFiber, Metamucil, ect. for now to see if that helps. The meds they use on IBS patients he would like to stay away from for now. Because of my history and the fact that he doesn't know how safe they really are to take when PG makes him not feel comfortable at this point having me take them. He asked who my OB was and said I am in good hands. That if things continue or get worse he would discuss with my OB once I am farther along about possible meds.. So for now I am to try the Fiber supplements, lot's of water and follow up in 3-4 weeks.
I have been feeling a little run down the past two days. I think from all the stress and everything. So this weekend I plan to just relax and take it easy. And sleep, sleep, sleep! :-)
Thank you all again for your thoughts and prayers. We continue to hope this is finally our perfect lil Pea that we will one day soon be holding in our arms.
*new pics in our album of lil pea*

September 12th

Angel baby,
We will never forget you. Your estimated due date was September 12th. A day I think we will never forget. I know you were not yet a fully formed baby, but your little heart flickering on that screen was definitely a life. Your life. The life your Daddy and I created. The life we one day couldn't wait to meet. Who's eyes would you have had? You probably would have been a tiny little thing like your Mommy and Daddy were when they were younger. Your sex was already determined at that point, would you have been our little boy or girl? Maybe it's easier that we will never know. For whatever reason your life was taken from us. And I hope your soul is now in a happy place.
I try not to dwell on the fact that this day was supposed to be the most amazing day of our lives. The day we finally would get to introduce you into this world. To meet you!
But we have such great news! We now have a new lil Pea growing inside. Your brother or sister? We will one day tell them about you. About your short time in our lives and what an impact you had on your family. We continue to be grateful that this new lil Pea is growing stronger each day. We hope and pray so much that we can keep this one. We have so many family, friends and even people we have never met praying for your brother or sister. This means so much to us.
So take care our Angel baby. We wish you were here with us. Know that we love you. We remember you today, as will we always. We love you and miss you more than words can ever describe.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
*One of our friends made this after you left us. It made Mommy cry again but with a smile. I hope to hang this one day when I can look at it without tears and smile at you.*

EDD

I totally forgot to mention. Going by the 1st day of my last period our due date was April 30th. However today when I asked the tech she said the machine gave us an EDD of 05/05/2010 from the measurements it goes by. Seriously?!? I think that will be the BEST 1st Mother's day present EVER!!!!!

Another answered Prayer...

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT! 118bpm which doc said is good. It was flickering so fast! I can't remember exactly but this one looked a lot quicker than our last baby. And to my surprise we were able to HEAR IT!! I have been waiting for this day forever. To hear that thump, thump, thump of the life you created beating inside you. Of course this brought tears to our eyes.
Sac I believe measured 6wks 0days and Fetus measured 6wks 4days. So the machine evens it out to 6wks 2 days, but the tech told me at this point they really go by the crown to rump of the baby so more than likely go by 6wks 4days! Which means we passed our 1st hurdle!!! This is such a relief to me but at the same time we are both of course very cautious still. Especially after doc asked if we had a heartbeat last time. (even dr's I guess forget things) I reminded him yes last time with my OBG we saw a heartbeat @ 6wks 1 day and then when the spotting started 1 1/2 wks later ultrasound showed the heart had stopped and fetus measured about 6wks 2-3days.
Of course he can't really give an answer as he was not seeing us for that PG but he said he thinks so far this PG is looking very good. We can't help but feel some excitement now. We know we are still a bit away from being out of the 1st trimester but as the weeks go by and heart rate and development continues to be great our chances of miscarriage lessen each week.
I told him about my cramping from my bowels and he said it looks like I have some IBS issues acting up. (guess he could see from the ultrasound) Then when they went to look at my ovaries they could barely get a view of my left one! Bowels were obstructing it!! The tech tried without hurting me too bad, as this was very uncomfortable to say the least, but wasn't able to measure it. Which I guess wasn't that big of a deal to get. She said you poor thing. Ouchie! Needless to say I was uncomfortable after that until I finally (TMI) had a bowel movement a few hours later. Doc said I could call my GI doctor to see if there is anything they can do, being that I'm PG. So I called and got an appointment for Thursday, which happens to be when we go back for another ultrasound with my RE since Chris is on shift Friday. I did make sure to ask doc if these horrible cramps and IBS can interfere with baby. He said no, but for me it will be very uncomfortable so that is why he said I can see if my GI doc can do anything.
Doc also said there was some fluid but he said that is from the placenta attaching to my lining?? This of course freaked us out but he said it's nothing to worry about. Anyone heard of this? I'm surprised I haven't googled that yet. lol I'm not gonna lie, I did google the heart rate. Seems to be right on track. Poor baby, I hope I don't make it too crazy these next 33 weeks! ;-)
So now I am debating if I should sign up once again on babycenter.com to start getting my weekly updates?? I know I'm not going to be naive like last time and register with Publix baby, Huggies, ect.. I still get things in the mail even after I took myself off. I just don't want to miss anything with this PG if it is going to be a good one. But at the same time I know we need to wait. Even if it's just for another 3-4 weeks. By then I will be over 10 weeks. If things are still perfect in our RE's eyes I will make myself relax and truly enjoy every moment.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers. They are making all the difference. Now we continue to pray and hope our baby's beautiful heartbeat is even stronger next week!!
*new pics are in our Album under Lil Pea*

6 weeks

So today I am 6wks if you go by my Dr.'s measurements from Friday. Going by the last day of AF I would be 6wks 5 days. Anyhoo 6wks today and I REALLY hope and pray our lil pea is growing strong and a heartbeat is starting any minute if not already. Our last PG we saw the heartbeat at 6wks 1day. And our baby's heart stopped beating around 6wks 2-3days from the measurements they took the day I started spotting. I was supposed to be just over 7 wks at that point.
Friday we should be measuring 6wks 2days. Even though we still won't quite be past how far we got last time, it will of course be a major relief to see a nice strong heartbeat. And how ironic that Saturday the 12th was our other baby's due date. I can only hope I will be able to smile that day with good news so far with this PG.
No sore boobies still but I do have some horrible indigestion. Had a little of the vomit reflux a dozen time's now. Pretty much anything that is not totally bland causes indigestion. I also find that having smaller more frequent meals helps. Also still having some constipation along with gassyness. Sorry for the TMI ladies. If there is a such thing as TMI anymore.
So this morning I realized I haven't had any cramps the past few days so of course I start to worry. Actually wanting to feel those cramps I had last week that freaked me out until I saw the ultrasound and realized they must just be good cramps. Well low and behold my lovely lil crampy feelings started this evening. And what did I do? Yell with joy?!? No I freaked. I can't win with myself!!! Seriously I hope I can just be more normal with this PG soon. Even though I know, as many of you other women who have suffered through miscarriages, that this might not happen. And that's just fine as long as our baby is at the end of all this!
On a different subject Hubby called me today (he is on shift) to tell me he had a present for me. He is terrible at keeping secrets. He bought me a GPS! Apparently he bought it online this weekend as they were having a 50% off sale just for Labor day weekend. I can't believe he actually didn't tell me before today! ;-)
We looked at getting me one last year and then decided against it since they are kind of expensive for a good one. He told me since they were having the sale he wanted to get it. He said this way I won't get lost and can check traffic on my way to work. Also it has blue tooth so I can talk on my cell phone without using my hands. Which he said is important if I am going to be driving around with his baby! He is so funny sometimes.
Thank you all again for your support & please continue to pray for our lil Pea. Hoping for a strong heartbeat Friday!

A Pea in the Pod

Our appt. was 10:45am this morning. I actually slept pretty good last night considering I was alone because of course Chris was on shift. I started to get nervous and then picked up my book I have been reading (which I love this series, mentioned below) and finally around 11:30pm started to get sleepy.
This morning I woke up and was ok......until about 9am, then the anxiety started to kick in. Tried eating a bowel of cereal. Three bites later I realized that wasn't happening so the dogs got an extra treat this morning. By the time we got to their office I had to remember my breathing. As I tend to forget to breathe when I am very anxious. Also to help with the nausea I had by then. Not gonna lie, it was pretty bad. They took my blood and then it was time for the ultrasound. I had done a few pep talks with myself. Whatever we saw we have made it through this before and we WILL be ok. Poor Chris was just as nervous. At this point with my levels being a little "not so great" in the beginning I was half expecting to see nothing, or an empty sac, or even god forbid something in the total wrong place like my tube. Of course I was also hoping to see what we did. A perfect sac in the center of my Uterus. Just where it should be. We could also see the yolk and the beginning of the fetal pole. The RE's equipment is SO much more high tech than my OBG!! I couldn't believe how clear and big it all was. And knowing how small it all really is at this point! I think the tech said it was measuring about 5wks 2 days. I thought I was 6 wks today. Based on my period. I asked doc if this was ok and he said yes, not to worry. He kept asking if I was nervous. Think he was afraid I was gonna pass out on the table. I'm sure I was a little pale. He said he could tell because I was so quiet.
He said right now things look great, just as they should. It was too early to see a heartbeat. He wants us back again next Friday and by then we should be able to see the heartbeat. He said to try to relax some. Things look really good so far. I reminded him this is also what my OBG said last PG right after we saw the heartbeat. That things looked great. Then it was about 2 days later they said the fetus probably died. He said we are taking extra steps this time and we just hope that works. I'm on the extra Folic Acid and the progesterone. And that for now everything looks great so try not to dwell too much. I know he is right and I am a bit relieved after today, just not excited yet. I feel bad that I am not. It just all feels so familiar now. This path we have traveled before. And then where it ended. I am definitely happy about today's visit. Just not excited yet. For me it is still too early. I only wish I could be like most women. Who after their 1st ultrasound go out and celebrate. Some tell all their friends. Maybe go out and buy a thing or two. Register for baby stuff, Enfamil, Publix, Huggies, ect.. I know of course this will not happen for us until we are out of our 1st trimester. And even then I have learned from so many women that things can unfortunately still happen. As for me I think once I make it to 10 weeks I will feel excited and a bit relieved. That will of course be the farthest we have ever made it and seems like such a big milestone to me. I know I will never be totally relaxed with this PG. I am envious of most PG women for this. But I am ok with it because in the end that little bundle of life we created will be worth any anxiety for 9 months. I do try to relax myself with breathing and stuff. After all I don't want this poor baby to come out a nervous wreck! ;-)
So for now I am just going to try my best to enjoy each day. Even if I still don't feel PG. Well except for these new bowel problems which a little prune juice fixes. ;o)~ And I will give myself the morning of Friday to be a bit nervous again and then breathe a sigh of relief once we see that little flicker. And pray even harder it stays flickering this time! We have so many prayers coming our way and I am forever thankful to everyone. Come on my little pea, grow grow!! I put our first picture in our Album on our blog. Named it "lil pea" as last one was our "lil bean".
On a different subject. For those ladies who like to read I have a great series for you. Or for any Twilight fans as this is a vampire series. It's called the Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R. Ward. The 1st book in the series is DARK LOVER. I luv them and they take my mind away for a bit!

Paranoia

Yes, Paranoia is officially settling in. Today I have been cramping on and off all day. And of course I am freaking. I have been cramping since the day we found out almost 2 weeks ago, but usually at night. Also until my numbers have been good the last two times I really didn't pay attention to any cramps because I didn't have any hope for this PG. Now that my levels were again raising good Monday new hope has settled in.....along with the Paranoia.
My last PG I also had cramping the first 2 weeks when things were still progressing as they should. The doctor always said that it's normal as your body is making room for baby. Which totally makes sense. Thing is since it has been 7 months since I was last PG I almost forgot the difference between the good cramps and the bad. So I just keep reminding myself we are doing everything possible at this point to make this PG work. I take my Folbic twice a day, my prenatal, DHA and also my progesterone suppositories twice a day. And can only have faith and pray this one is here to stay for 9 months.

So I'll say the mantra.

As far as I know, I am pregnant today. There's nothing I can do about yesterday or tomorrow, so I need to focus on being positive - because right now, at this time, on this day, I am pregnant.

Friday couldn't be here soon enough.