Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Am I?!?! Broken that is?? And why?? Still yet to be answered?? So many questions....and yet still no solid answers. And yet again I ask, why do I seem to be broken???
I caved and took a test this morning. Today is 13DPO so I knew I was able to get an answer, even though I knew once again what it would be. BFN. No symptoms and I was honestly not surprised and took it relatively well this time. Although I think my little break down Sunday when the spotting started wore me out.
I have my appt. tomorrow to see my Dr.. I am hoping AF will be here in the morning. Otherwise he doesn't like to talk about "what's next" until he has the negative blood results proving I'm not pregnant. Even though it usually shows on the Ultrasound that the lining is thinning. Oh well, like I said I hope for this reason AF doesn't wait until Friday so we can start talking about what's next because at this point I have no idea anymore!! Also I want to talk to him about taking Clomid again or not. It is not 100% certain but they do say Clomid is linked to Ovarian cancer. And as some of you know my Mom was diagnosed and almost died from Ovarian cancer at the age of 34. I am almost 30. I am going to remind him of this and discuss if there are any other options at this point. Like I said I just don't know anymore. My hope I had when we first started seeing him is slowly fading as each month goes by. Having a baby is supposed to be the best time in your life! And yet I cry each week, month that goes by and still no baby for us. And I can't help but feel that I'm letting my husband down. As we look around at so many friends becoming parent's and the new joy in their lives.
I will update after our visit tomorrow and hopefully have some answers and newly fulfilled hope for next month.
This is just a little email my friend Megan sent me today. It made me cry, but with a smile. She has never been PG either and her and her husband are also seeing an RE and have also been on the TTC journey for awhile now. It is so nice having her to talk with. It's funny how something like this brings two people who were just acquaintances and now have become good friends.

I am so sorry. It is such an emotional roller coaster- I haven't been through half the stuff you have & I also have that feeling sometimes of needing a therapist. It is so tuff, and unfortunately no one understands it unless they have been there. It isn't as easy as just "staying positive". It is even harder not knowing the answers, and no one can tell you why. At least if it was clear on why this is happening (i.e.- a disease or something) you could have something to blame it on. But since it isn't that cut & dry, you just start to blame yourself, which can really take a toll on you. You started going to the doctor to help understand why you have miscarried, and now, like you said, you are having infertility problems- why?! And with me, I wasn't ovulating on my own, now I am, and I am still not pregnant- why?! I hate that we can't get answers to these questions, I hate that we can't get pregnant. Trying to have a baby is supposed to be a happy time in your life- not a time that makes you want to just cry daily when you see anything that reminds you of having a baby. I know that people have told me that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle- but why won't he allow me to have a baby when I want one so bad. My child would never be unloved or unwanted. We would be great Mom's & our husbands would be great Dad's- so why aren't we? I know that even though I can understand to an extent what you are going through, there is nothing I can say to you that will help you understand why this is happening and how to make you feel better. All I can say is I am sorry, and I am here whenever you need to talk. You have helped me by just being there, so I hope I can do the same for you...


  1. It has been such a tough week for me and just reading this post helped remind me that I am not alone in this. I'm praying that your appointment goes the way you want it to and that you have peace with your next course of action.

  2. i know that i've said this many times but, i'm thinking of you ..and chris, my heart breaks for you each and every day that goes by that you are in pain, i really, really hope and pray things change. xo

  3. I just caught up on your whole story. I'm thinking about you and I hope you get something good out of your appointment tomorrow.

  4. I need a word bank or something for all your abbreviations :). I was told once to try and think differently when it comes to things you want in life that aren't coming easily. Instead of thinking, "please don't be negative, please don't be negative' when talking a pregnancy test, think, "it's positive I know it!" and if by chance it isn't, think, "it WILL be next time" I know it's easier said then done. The mind is very powerful though. It must be harder each day to be positive. I'm praying for you! I don't know Chris at all but judging from the way he looks at you in pictures I doubt you will ever disappoint him. Try not to think that way. I'm sure he loves you no matter what! I have talked to a few OB/GYN's and all have said they have had women like you with the same issues and just about all have conceived eventually. I will keep my ears open and continue to ask around for any other treatment methods that have worked. You guys deserve this, keep your chin up!

  5. Hang in there. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better. The only thing I can offer you is love, support and a shoulder to cry. Just know that all of that is there for you when you need it!

  6. ♥It may be a long journey we don't want to take, but it will be worth it when we reach the end♥