Saturday, February 21, 2009

12 vials!!!

Today was an interesting day. I never thought I would be able to say I gave 12 vials of blood. Most of you know how I am about blood and having to have blood drawn.
I saw my doctor Friday to discuss and go over any ?'s I had since the miscarriage. She decided since this was my second miscarriage she would write me a script to have blood drawn (you have to go to a lab because some of the tests have to be frozen & time sensitive) to rule out anything that could possibly be wrong. There is still a very good chance that nothing at all is wrong, but if there is we would like to do anything possible to prevent this from ever happening again.
Basically they are testing for everything possible except genetic disorders that can cause chromosome abnormalities. The insurance companies, unfortunately, feel you need to have at least 3 miscarriages before they will pay for this test to be done on you and your partner. (chris would also need this test as this is the one problem that could be from either of us) And the test is over $2,000.00 for us both to have done.
But every other condition that can lead to multiple miscarriages I was tested for. Which I assume is why they needed 12 vials!! I knew they would need a few to have this many tests done. (the most i have ever had is 3) So Chris came with me just in case. ;o)
The guy called us back and I asked how many he would be taking. He told me 6 or 7 without giving me an exact straight answer. I thought he was jocking!!! If he would have said 12 I would have asked if I could do half now and half later! lol Seriously I'm not j/k, though! He said to just look away (which I always do anyways) and Chris tried talking to me so I wouldn't think about it. Well, that many obviously takes awhile! Chris was counting as the guy was drawing the blood. (he didn't tell me how many until we were done) Once the guy was on 12 Chris said it looked like he moved the needle a bit and asked Chris to grab another vial off his shelf with the blue cap. At this point I was really getting ready to tell him to get the f'ing needle out of my arm! He was gentle at first but the last few vials I could feel him switching as he was getting a little rough! So when he moved Chris said the needle must have slipped out and then he tried to jab it back in (which I felt & finally made a little yell) but couldn't get the vein so he never got number 13. Chris said he will probably just have them try to get the test from the other 3 blue top vials. I don't even care if I have to go back for one, I was over it!!!
Chris was very proud of me (that I didn't pass out) and I actually was too! I told him that once we get pregnant (& carry full term) this baby better appreciate all I went through for him/her before they were even in my belly!! ;o)
All in all it was definitely worth it no matter what the results are. It takes about 2 weeks to get everything back. So now we wait.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Belated Birthday

We were supposed to go see "He's just not that into you" for my B-Day but because of certain circumstances it was postponed. A few close friends and I went last night finally. Thank you girls for coming. xoxo

( i made them take a pic in front of the sign. lol)

Sunday, February 15, 2009


When I came inside for lunch today Chris was laughing @ me telling me I better flip because my front was red and my back was white. So an hour later this is what I look like! UV rays are definitely back to summer time. Now he is rubbing aloe on my lobster front AND back! ;o)
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Friday, February 6, 2009

Forever A Part of Me

A Part of Me

As I sit and remember

When you were still a part of me

I try to forget...

Your life was never meant to be.

You were mine to give life to

Though only for a while

Things have changed now...

I will never see your smile.

Yet my love for you

Will never disappear

Though your voice, your laugh,

I will never get to hear.

To the baby that I carried

But never saw your eyes

Or tell you how much I loved you

Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten

The excitement we had for your coming.

When I realized I'd never hold you,

The feeling I had was numbing.

My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.

Your loving memory will live in my heart

So you will always be a part of me.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


We received some horrible news yesterday when I went to the doctor. Our baby no longer had a heartbeat. From the size of the embryo the baby died shortly after our last visit when we first saw the heartbeat.I had some cramping Tuesday night that just felt like it might be something wrong, but I am always a little paranoid so I convinced myself nothing was wrong. Wednesday when I woke up and went to the bathroom I realized I had started spotting some. When I got to work I called the doctor. Sometimes it is normal for women to spot when pregnant, I was just concerned because I had no spotting at all until now. The doctor called back and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound just to check on everything.Chris met me @ the doctors. Once we went into the office I started to prepare myself because I felt I knew what they were about to say. I went to the bathroom right before the exam and there was now more spotting with some red blood which I knew was definitely not normal. The technician could not find the heartbeat and the baby had not grown in over a week. Preparing yourself for this is not something you could ever do. Words cannot even describe how loving someone so much and then the feeling of complete emptiness i have. And knowing you thought you were pregnant and haven't been in over a week. Unless you have been unfortunate enough to have had this happen to you I cannot explain in words...Chris has been so supportive and this is why I love him so much. He also feels a little helpless because in some ways even he can't feel what I am feeling or do anything to ease this pain. I am also concerned and feeling a little hopeless about having children ever when this is something we both want so much!!It is a common thing miscarriage's, but because this is my second it is hard to think positive. I also don't know if I will be ready or will be able to deal with the possibility this could happen again.The doctor let me decide between a DNC or letting nature take it's course. I did not have a DNC last time so decided against it this time since I am already having the bleeding and cramping. It is a bit painful but nothing compared to the pain of losing our baby.I really am not ready to talk with anyone so I am sorry if you have called and I have not answered. I have only spoken with my mother and it is just too hard right now.I appreciate all your text mails and prayers and love you all too. Please just keep us in your prayers.
Love,Nicole and Chris