Thursday, February 4, 2010

One of the worst days of my life...

One year ago today I woke up with a horrible feeling of fear. I had experienced cramps before I went to bed that just didn't seem right. At the time I was supposed to be 7 weeks so I tried to tell myself they were just more growing pains. After seeing our lil beans heart beat a week earlier I finally was trying to let myself relax as everyone had been telling me to do. I started to also believe what everyone kept telling me, that my 1st miscarriage was just a fluke and that everything would be fine this time. That I need to stop worrying so much. And so I did. I started to believe that we were actually going to have a baby. And of course I fell in love after we saw that little flicker anyways.
But that morning I knew something just didn't feel right. Sure enough I got up and went to the bathroom only to find a light brown spotting on the toilet paper. Looking back it was then that I knew, but still tried to remain hopeful. Chris and my mom told me to try not to worry and just call the doctor once they opened at 9am. That many women experience spotting in their pregnancy. Which is true. But spotting for me has only meant something bad. Even with this pregnancy I never had any spotting or blood. Only implantation spotting before I knew I was even PG.
So I went to work and called their office once they opened. The nurse took my information and said she would call me back after talking to my doctor. My doctor knew I was worried in the beginning of this PG because of my previous miscarriage. So I wasn't surprised when the nurse called back to tell me my doctor said I could come in around 2pm for a quick scan to make sure everything was still fine.
By the time I left my office to go to the doctor the spotting was still there. Chris met me at the office. I felt like a statue sitting there as we waited to be called back. Luckily we didn't have to wait too long. The ultrasound tech at their office called us back. She had done my scan the week earlier when we were able to see our lil beans heartbeat. She asked me to empty my bladder (since we were doing a vaginal ultrasound). I went into the bathroom and when I wiped there it blood. Still just spotting but now bright red. I didn't even need the ultrasound. I knew. I walked out of the bathroom and told Chris before she came back in that I was now bleeding and we had lost our baby. At that moment the tech walked back in and started the scan. I kept my head turned the whole time as I knew what she was about to find. Or not find. She found our lil bean, but unfortunately there was no longer a heartbeat. And apparently hadn't been for a few days as lil bean measured only 6 wks 3 days. The rest of the visit was a blur to me at the time, yet I still remember it so well. She asked if I wanted to see and I said no. She apologized and said she had to ask as some women want to see for closure. I just couldn't do it. At this point tears were already streaming down my face. She then put us in a room to speak with my doctor. When she came in she said she was very sorry. That she really thought this was a good pregnancy as my numbers had been so great and heartbeat had been perfect last week.
And yet my littlest Angel grew wings. A friend sent me this shortly after. Every angel gets their wings, some just need them sooner than we are ready for. So very true. Today, my littlest angel, I just want you to know Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and loved you very much for those few short weeks you were with us. You may not have been a perfectly formed baby yet, but we saw your tiny little beating heart. The heart of the life your Mommy and Daddy created. And we know if you can see us now that you are so happy you will have a sister soon!! And we can't wait to meet her!!! She will already have an angel looking out for her as soon as she is here. You my littlest angel. We love you. ♥


  1. Your title scared the crap out of me!

    Your experience one year ago is very eerily similar to mine, in a few weeks it will also be a year to the day of my 1st M/C. I'll write the full story later but as painful as this day's memory is for you, be comforted in knowing that your angel baby is safe and sound with our God and looking over Sweet Pea's safe arrival into your arms!

    thank you for sharing this post..((hugs))

  2. I'm thinking of you today. Memories of our worst days always sneak up on us and the anniversarys are so hard.
    I can't wait for you to meet Lil Pea!!

  3. I also lost my 2nd in the bathroom of the midwives office. Although I already knew something was wrong, it wasn't until I had to go give a urine sample at the Dr's that the red blood appeared. It's still hard to go in the bathroom when I'm there.

    Praying for you, hubbies and little Pea's continued strength.

  4. ((hugs))) no words can express my feelings about this.

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