Thursday, February 5, 2009


We received some horrible news yesterday when I went to the doctor. Our baby no longer had a heartbeat. From the size of the embryo the baby died shortly after our last visit when we first saw the heartbeat.I had some cramping Tuesday night that just felt like it might be something wrong, but I am always a little paranoid so I convinced myself nothing was wrong. Wednesday when I woke up and went to the bathroom I realized I had started spotting some. When I got to work I called the doctor. Sometimes it is normal for women to spot when pregnant, I was just concerned because I had no spotting at all until now. The doctor called back and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound just to check on everything.Chris met me @ the doctors. Once we went into the office I started to prepare myself because I felt I knew what they were about to say. I went to the bathroom right before the exam and there was now more spotting with some red blood which I knew was definitely not normal. The technician could not find the heartbeat and the baby had not grown in over a week. Preparing yourself for this is not something you could ever do. Words cannot even describe how loving someone so much and then the feeling of complete emptiness i have. And knowing you thought you were pregnant and haven't been in over a week. Unless you have been unfortunate enough to have had this happen to you I cannot explain in words...Chris has been so supportive and this is why I love him so much. He also feels a little helpless because in some ways even he can't feel what I am feeling or do anything to ease this pain. I am also concerned and feeling a little hopeless about having children ever when this is something we both want so much!!It is a common thing miscarriage's, but because this is my second it is hard to think positive. I also don't know if I will be ready or will be able to deal with the possibility this could happen again.The doctor let me decide between a DNC or letting nature take it's course. I did not have a DNC last time so decided against it this time since I am already having the bleeding and cramping. It is a bit painful but nothing compared to the pain of losing our baby.I really am not ready to talk with anyone so I am sorry if you have called and I have not answered. I have only spoken with my mother and it is just too hard right now.I appreciate all your text mails and prayers and love you all too. Please just keep us in your prayers.
Love,Nicole and Chris

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