Seriously?!?!

I went yesterday for my first Acupuncture appt.. I have heard from people how it's crazy, but it works! My visit was about an hour long. First they ask a bunch of questions. Kind of like a physical, but without all the prodding and poking which was nice for a change. Then after about 20 mins of questions we started my first treatment.
Now before I go on I just want to remind everyone of all the lower abdominal and lower back achy pain I get all the time. When I went yesterday it was perfect because the ache was there all day.
So anyways she got out the needles and told me she was going to place them in certain areas. First one goes right in the middle of your forehead. I was figuring since this is supposed to be such a relaxation thing that you wouldn't even feel it. Umm... I was wrong! Now it didn't really hurt, but you can def. feel that a needle is being put in your skin. She continued to put some in my lower legs, feet and stomach. Some I really almost couldn't feel at all, others I could. Then she put a heat lamp over my stomach, put on some nice soothing music and said she would be back in 10 mins.. I didn't fall asleep but she said some people do. She came back, checked on me and then gave me another 10 mins.. Oh and she also said she was going to stimulate some of the needles as she turned some of them in my skin. (doesn't hurt just a little weird)
Earlier when she was asking all the questions she asked to look at my tongue twice and felt my pulse. She asked about things like she already knew the answer!! It was really kind of crazy! Doctors can't even figure out some of these things after poking you with needles, ect.. She seemed to know about my indigestion that started about 2 years ago, I told her about my pains since miscarriage. About my periods being painful now. She even asked if I have a short fuse (anger)!! Damn she's good! lol
She explained about my Chi being off. Then she went on about my Liver (not to say it's bad). I really still can't explain it all to you without messing it up. Here is a link I found that can explain a little about Acupuncture.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14256-acupuncture/
Anyways after my 20 mins with the needles she took them out and had me slowly sit up and put my shoes back on. As I put my shoes on I thought I noticed my lower back ache subsiding a little.
I went to check out and she gave me these pills to take. Xiao Yao Pian. Here is a brief description.
Jia Wei Xiao Yao Pian disperses the depressed liver-qi and removes heat, strengthens the spleen and nourishes the blood.† It is used for stagnation of the liver-qi, deficiency of blood, incoordination between the liver and the spleen, distension and pain in the hypochondric regions, dizziness, lassitude, poor appetite, irregular menstruation, distension and pain in the umbilical and abdominal regions.
She gave me a paper that has each of the herbs that are in it and what they do. Sounds perfect for me! We will see how I feel in another week or two.
So as I get in my car I actually cannot even believe, but my pain is GONE!!! I mean totally GONE!! The pain that comes and goes but has actually been constant since this last period. And it was just gone! I still don't even understand it, but I don't care!! I slept so good last night for the first time in awhile. It was funny because when I was leaving the lady gave me this little smile and said, "don't worry your going to feel good tonight."
And today the pain is still gone. I am dreading it coming back but for now enjoying it being gone! I have another appt. next Friday so I will def. be looking forward to that when/if it does come back. These pills are supposed to help to. I have very heavy bright red periods and this could be what is causing a lot of my bad stagnation, as she says. So we will see. Anyone who has problems I would certainly recommend giving Acupuncture a shot. It def. can't hurt to try once. As far as my Fertility problems we will see but for now I am just glad the pain is gone. Heating pads, messages from Chris, nothing ever worked until now. So my next appt. is back to the RE on Tuesday and then some more Acupuncture Friday. I will update then.

would've been, could've been, should've been....

Something I have learned along our journey so far, if you were ever the type to somewhat have your life on a schedule in your mind of how you want things to be, forget about it!! When dealing with IF or re-current miscarriages that is something that you might as well realize just doesn't happen.
Funny my "schedule" never added up like I thought it would. I always thought I would be married by 25 and start with one kid around26-27. I was sort of on track when I was first engaged at 24. But thankfully that unhealthy relationship ended before I made the mistake of marriage. And just in time to find my love and best friend, which I married at 28. Not quite on my "schedule" but well worth the wait! I was sure we would have are first little one before my 30th B-day but this is obviously another schedule mishap.
Funny because as much as I tell myself to stop with the mind torture game's I still find a way to do it every month! For instance, this month if we would have gotten PG our due date would have been April 3rd....right before our 2 year wedding anniversary. The best anniversary gift ever! And the month before if we would have gotten a BFP it would have been the day of Chris's 30th b-day. Instead AF showed up that day. And the month before that our due date would have been around the week of my 30th B-day. And the month before that it would have been just in time to still have a touching Mother's day to celebrate being PG again. (instead I couldn't help but think about how close I would have been to actually being a Mom if not for our loss)
And of course if I got PG this month I can't help but think our due date will be sometime right around Mother's day next year! Seriously the mind game's I play on myself are just ridiculous! I tell myself every month not to think about "what if". But I just can't help it! And I also can't help but think about the fact that our baby's due date is just around the corner. September 12th. ♥ A date I hardly think I will ever forget. How I never imagined I wouldn't be PG again by then.

So anyways here is my update for what the plan is this month. Today I went in to see my Doctor. Had blood drawn yet again, an ultrasound done and discussed "Plan of Action" for this cycle. So here goes so far -
Cycle #6 of TTC since MC
Start Clomid CD5, continue until CD9. I go back in for an ultrasound next Tuesday (8/04) to check on my follies to see how the Clomid has them growing. Then depending on their sizes will depend on my next appt.. I also filled the script for Ovidrel (trigger shot) that will be given once one or more follicles is big enough for ovulation.
So I know some of you are thinking Clomid=twins, right?!?!?! Well it's actually only a 10% chance. But it is a possibility! Crazy because the thought of twins before made me want to cry (in fear). Now I really don't care. If it takes having two at once to have a baby, then that's what it is. I think Chris is a little too excited about the whole twin possibility, though. Of course he doesn't have to give birth to both of them! lol
Oh and I also have an Accupuncture appt. Wednesday! I have heard so many good things about it from people that go for all different things, so I figured what the heck! I'll give anything a shot at this point.
So our journey continues, and we thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will update again soon!

and so it is.....

Big Fat fricken Negative! You would think after seeing this so often the past months it would come as no surprise. Especially since the AF cramps that started Wednesday night were not disguising them self in the least. Also the fact that I am 14DPO today and have absolutely NO symptoms. I know, I know. They say every PG is different, but what I do know is that my last two PG my boobs became sore & swollen at least a day or two before I got a BFP. Also the cramps I had were slightly different than AF cramps. Our last PG I tested on 13DPO which I was actually a day late for AF (remember how i mentioned "O"ing late in my cycle). Well this was earlier "O" for me so I am 14DPO and AF is due today or tomorrow. That is if she still comes on time or not due to the lovely Progesterone.
Anyhow I had told myself I would not POAS this month. Especially since the dr does not want you to because of the HCG shot they gave me. This can give you a false + if still in your system. But my shot was 12 days ago and I was given a low dose so it should be out of my system. I figured if I did get a BFP I would not get my hopes up too high until my blood was drawn Monday. And as much as I still hoped I was totally wrong and that this would be a PG with no symptoms at first, I think I knew it would be a BFN. It is actually a bit ridiculous how "tuned in" to my body I have become since the miscarriage! (as some of you women who read this can totally relate) Every little twitch, cramp, probably even air bubbles I feel!! Most women who are Fertile won't even realize they even are PG until they finally notice AF never came. They will tell you it take's months to have any PG symptoms. And any woman dealing with IF or recurrent miscarriages will tell you just the opposite! Symptoms can actually start as soon as implantation happens and when you become so aware of your body you also become very aware of early symptoms. Or lack of.
I just want SO bad to see those two lines again. Those silly two lines that would bring a stream of tears to my eyes. Those silly two lines I could show Chris that would bring that smile to his face I have seen before..... I hate that I haven't been able to give him a baby yet! And he hates when I think that way! I know he is also now getting anxious to be a Daddy. I yearn to see that lil flicker on the screen instead of the new blank one's I have come accustomed to. The sign of life you created....
I am just sad, angry but most of all scared. Scared of how long our Journey might be or what it may involve. And I HATE when people say, "well you know you can get PG at least". Yes, thanks for reminding me. I do. And we saw where that got us! That is what scares me the most. Is that once I do get PG there is no guarantee that we get to keep the next one either. I feel better about our possible outcome now that we are seeing an RE. But they are also only human & can't tell you anything for sure. The world of Infertility is just so unpredictable. And I just try not to let myself think about that possibility. It becomes too much to think about TTC for so long and then having that happen again.
I am just forever thankful that I have someone like Chris, who has been more than there for me, to be taking this Journey in our life with. As one woman said, my yellow brick road has some major potholes, but together we can make it to the end. Whatever that holds for us.
And as guilty as I feel for being like this, as I have read of so many women who's Journeys are far worse than ours so far, today I will allow myself my "Why us?!?!" day. Then tomorrow I will shake it off and pray again for next month to be our time....
Again thank you all for your thoughts & prayers. It is nice to know we have so many that want a baby for us as much as we do! ♥

********************UPDATE**************************************
Just got home from work and lovely AF was here to greet me. Called RE's office and they still want me to come in Monday morning. Funny how the sight of the wicked witch still brought a tear to my eye. Guess even after seeing a BFN we still hold on to some hope that just maybe......
Well I am now going to sit on my couch, maybe have the hubby make us some White Russians, and turn my heating pad WAY up!! My lower back has been killing me AGAIN today all day! As it has been on & off all month for the last 4 months! (another thing to discuss again with RE on monday) Hope everyone has a good weekend.