A Pea in the Pod

Our appt. was 10:45am this morning. I actually slept pretty good last night considering I was alone because of course Chris was on shift. I started to get nervous and then picked up my book I have been reading (which I love this series, mentioned below) and finally around 11:30pm started to get sleepy.
This morning I woke up and was ok......until about 9am, then the anxiety started to kick in. Tried eating a bowel of cereal. Three bites later I realized that wasn't happening so the dogs got an extra treat this morning. By the time we got to their office I had to remember my breathing. As I tend to forget to breathe when I am very anxious. Also to help with the nausea I had by then. Not gonna lie, it was pretty bad. They took my blood and then it was time for the ultrasound. I had done a few pep talks with myself. Whatever we saw we have made it through this before and we WILL be ok. Poor Chris was just as nervous. At this point with my levels being a little "not so great" in the beginning I was half expecting to see nothing, or an empty sac, or even god forbid something in the total wrong place like my tube. Of course I was also hoping to see what we did. A perfect sac in the center of my Uterus. Just where it should be. We could also see the yolk and the beginning of the fetal pole. The RE's equipment is SO much more high tech than my OBG!! I couldn't believe how clear and big it all was. And knowing how small it all really is at this point! I think the tech said it was measuring about 5wks 2 days. I thought I was 6 wks today. Based on my period. I asked doc if this was ok and he said yes, not to worry. He kept asking if I was nervous. Think he was afraid I was gonna pass out on the table. I'm sure I was a little pale. He said he could tell because I was so quiet.
He said right now things look great, just as they should. It was too early to see a heartbeat. He wants us back again next Friday and by then we should be able to see the heartbeat. He said to try to relax some. Things look really good so far. I reminded him this is also what my OBG said last PG right after we saw the heartbeat. That things looked great. Then it was about 2 days later they said the fetus probably died. He said we are taking extra steps this time and we just hope that works. I'm on the extra Folic Acid and the progesterone. And that for now everything looks great so try not to dwell too much. I know he is right and I am a bit relieved after today, just not excited yet. I feel bad that I am not. It just all feels so familiar now. This path we have traveled before. And then where it ended. I am definitely happy about today's visit. Just not excited yet. For me it is still too early. I only wish I could be like most women. Who after their 1st ultrasound go out and celebrate. Some tell all their friends. Maybe go out and buy a thing or two. Register for baby stuff, Enfamil, Publix, Huggies, ect.. I know of course this will not happen for us until we are out of our 1st trimester. And even then I have learned from so many women that things can unfortunately still happen. As for me I think once I make it to 10 weeks I will feel excited and a bit relieved. That will of course be the farthest we have ever made it and seems like such a big milestone to me. I know I will never be totally relaxed with this PG. I am envious of most PG women for this. But I am ok with it because in the end that little bundle of life we created will be worth any anxiety for 9 months. I do try to relax myself with breathing and stuff. After all I don't want this poor baby to come out a nervous wreck! ;-)
So for now I am just going to try my best to enjoy each day. Even if I still don't feel PG. Well except for these new bowel problems which a little prune juice fixes. ;o)~ And I will give myself the morning of Friday to be a bit nervous again and then breathe a sigh of relief once we see that little flicker. And pray even harder it stays flickering this time! We have so many prayers coming our way and I am forever thankful to everyone. Come on my little pea, grow grow!! I put our first picture in our Album on our blog. Named it "lil pea" as last one was our "lil bean".
On a different subject. For those ladies who like to read I have a great series for you. Or for any Twilight fans as this is a vampire series. It's called the Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R. Ward. The 1st book in the series is DARK LOVER. I luv them and they take my mind away for a bit!