and so it is.....

Big Fat fricken Negative! You would think after seeing this so often the past months it would come as no surprise. Especially since the AF cramps that started Wednesday night were not disguising them self in the least. Also the fact that I am 14DPO today and have absolutely NO symptoms. I know, I know. They say every PG is different, but what I do know is that my last two PG my boobs became sore & swollen at least a day or two before I got a BFP. Also the cramps I had were slightly different than AF cramps. Our last PG I tested on 13DPO which I was actually a day late for AF (remember how i mentioned "O"ing late in my cycle). Well this was earlier "O" for me so I am 14DPO and AF is due today or tomorrow. That is if she still comes on time or not due to the lovely Progesterone.
Anyhow I had told myself I would not POAS this month. Especially since the dr does not want you to because of the HCG shot they gave me. This can give you a false + if still in your system. But my shot was 12 days ago and I was given a low dose so it should be out of my system. I figured if I did get a BFP I would not get my hopes up too high until my blood was drawn Monday. And as much as I still hoped I was totally wrong and that this would be a PG with no symptoms at first, I think I knew it would be a BFN. It is actually a bit ridiculous how "tuned in" to my body I have become since the miscarriage! (as some of you women who read this can totally relate) Every little twitch, cramp, probably even air bubbles I feel!! Most women who are Fertile won't even realize they even are PG until they finally notice AF never came. They will tell you it take's months to have any PG symptoms. And any woman dealing with IF or recurrent miscarriages will tell you just the opposite! Symptoms can actually start as soon as implantation happens and when you become so aware of your body you also become very aware of early symptoms. Or lack of.
I just want SO bad to see those two lines again. Those silly two lines that would bring a stream of tears to my eyes. Those silly two lines I could show Chris that would bring that smile to his face I have seen before..... I hate that I haven't been able to give him a baby yet! And he hates when I think that way! I know he is also now getting anxious to be a Daddy. I yearn to see that lil flicker on the screen instead of the new blank one's I have come accustomed to. The sign of life you created....
I am just sad, angry but most of all scared. Scared of how long our Journey might be or what it may involve. And I HATE when people say, "well you know you can get PG at least". Yes, thanks for reminding me. I do. And we saw where that got us! That is what scares me the most. Is that once I do get PG there is no guarantee that we get to keep the next one either. I feel better about our possible outcome now that we are seeing an RE. But they are also only human & can't tell you anything for sure. The world of Infertility is just so unpredictable. And I just try not to let myself think about that possibility. It becomes too much to think about TTC for so long and then having that happen again.
I am just forever thankful that I have someone like Chris, who has been more than there for me, to be taking this Journey in our life with. As one woman said, my yellow brick road has some major potholes, but together we can make it to the end. Whatever that holds for us.
And as guilty as I feel for being like this, as I have read of so many women who's Journeys are far worse than ours so far, today I will allow myself my "Why us?!?!" day. Then tomorrow I will shake it off and pray again for next month to be our time....
Again thank you all for your thoughts & prayers. It is nice to know we have so many that want a baby for us as much as we do! ♥

********************UPDATE**************************************
Just got home from work and lovely AF was here to greet me. Called RE's office and they still want me to come in Monday morning. Funny how the sight of the wicked witch still brought a tear to my eye. Guess even after seeing a BFN we still hold on to some hope that just maybe......
Well I am now going to sit on my couch, maybe have the hubby make us some White Russians, and turn my heating pad WAY up!! My lower back has been killing me AGAIN today all day! As it has been on & off all month for the last 4 months! (another thing to discuss again with RE on monday) Hope everyone has a good weekend.