Seriously?!?!

I went yesterday for my first Acupuncture appt.. I have heard from people how it's crazy, but it works! My visit was about an hour long. First they ask a bunch of questions. Kind of like a physical, but without all the prodding and poking which was nice for a change. Then after about 20 mins of questions we started my first treatment.
Now before I go on I just want to remind everyone of all the lower abdominal and lower back achy pain I get all the time. When I went yesterday it was perfect because the ache was there all day.
So anyways she got out the needles and told me she was going to place them in certain areas. First one goes right in the middle of your forehead. I was figuring since this is supposed to be such a relaxation thing that you wouldn't even feel it. Umm... I was wrong! Now it didn't really hurt, but you can def. feel that a needle is being put in your skin. She continued to put some in my lower legs, feet and stomach. Some I really almost couldn't feel at all, others I could. Then she put a heat lamp over my stomach, put on some nice soothing music and said she would be back in 10 mins.. I didn't fall asleep but she said some people do. She came back, checked on me and then gave me another 10 mins.. Oh and she also said she was going to stimulate some of the needles as she turned some of them in my skin. (doesn't hurt just a little weird)
Earlier when she was asking all the questions she asked to look at my tongue twice and felt my pulse. She asked about things like she already knew the answer!! It was really kind of crazy! Doctors can't even figure out some of these things after poking you with needles, ect.. She seemed to know about my indigestion that started about 2 years ago, I told her about my pains since miscarriage. About my periods being painful now. She even asked if I have a short fuse (anger)!! Damn she's good! lol
She explained about my Chi being off. Then she went on about my Liver (not to say it's bad). I really still can't explain it all to you without messing it up. Here is a link I found that can explain a little about Acupuncture.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14256-acupuncture/
Anyways after my 20 mins with the needles she took them out and had me slowly sit up and put my shoes back on. As I put my shoes on I thought I noticed my lower back ache subsiding a little.
I went to check out and she gave me these pills to take. Xiao Yao Pian. Here is a brief description.
Jia Wei Xiao Yao Pian disperses the depressed liver-qi and removes heat, strengthens the spleen and nourishes the blood.† It is used for stagnation of the liver-qi, deficiency of blood, incoordination between the liver and the spleen, distension and pain in the hypochondric regions, dizziness, lassitude, poor appetite, irregular menstruation, distension and pain in the umbilical and abdominal regions.
She gave me a paper that has each of the herbs that are in it and what they do. Sounds perfect for me! We will see how I feel in another week or two.
So as I get in my car I actually cannot even believe, but my pain is GONE!!! I mean totally GONE!! The pain that comes and goes but has actually been constant since this last period. And it was just gone! I still don't even understand it, but I don't care!! I slept so good last night for the first time in awhile. It was funny because when I was leaving the lady gave me this little smile and said, "don't worry your going to feel good tonight."
And today the pain is still gone. I am dreading it coming back but for now enjoying it being gone! I have another appt. next Friday so I will def. be looking forward to that when/if it does come back. These pills are supposed to help to. I have very heavy bright red periods and this could be what is causing a lot of my bad stagnation, as she says. So we will see. Anyone who has problems I would certainly recommend giving Acupuncture a shot. It def. can't hurt to try once. As far as my Fertility problems we will see but for now I am just glad the pain is gone. Heating pads, messages from Chris, nothing ever worked until now. So my next appt. is back to the RE on Tuesday and then some more Acupuncture Friday. I will update then.

would've been, could've been, should've been....

Something I have learned along our journey so far, if you were ever the type to somewhat have your life on a schedule in your mind of how you want things to be, forget about it!! When dealing with IF or re-current miscarriages that is something that you might as well realize just doesn't happen.
Funny my "schedule" never added up like I thought it would. I always thought I would be married by 25 and start with one kid around26-27. I was sort of on track when I was first engaged at 24. But thankfully that unhealthy relationship ended before I made the mistake of marriage. And just in time to find my love and best friend, which I married at 28. Not quite on my "schedule" but well worth the wait! I was sure we would have are first little one before my 30th B-day but this is obviously another schedule mishap.
Funny because as much as I tell myself to stop with the mind torture game's I still find a way to do it every month! For instance, this month if we would have gotten PG our due date would have been April 3rd....right before our 2 year wedding anniversary. The best anniversary gift ever! And the month before if we would have gotten a BFP it would have been the day of Chris's 30th b-day. Instead AF showed up that day. And the month before that our due date would have been around the week of my 30th B-day. And the month before that it would have been just in time to still have a touching Mother's day to celebrate being PG again. (instead I couldn't help but think about how close I would have been to actually being a Mom if not for our loss)
And of course if I got PG this month I can't help but think our due date will be sometime right around Mother's day next year! Seriously the mind game's I play on myself are just ridiculous! I tell myself every month not to think about "what if". But I just can't help it! And I also can't help but think about the fact that our baby's due date is just around the corner. September 12th. ♥ A date I hardly think I will ever forget. How I never imagined I wouldn't be PG again by then.

So anyways here is my update for what the plan is this month. Today I went in to see my Doctor. Had blood drawn yet again, an ultrasound done and discussed "Plan of Action" for this cycle. So here goes so far -
Cycle #6 of TTC since MC
Start Clomid CD5, continue until CD9. I go back in for an ultrasound next Tuesday (8/04) to check on my follies to see how the Clomid has them growing. Then depending on their sizes will depend on my next appt.. I also filled the script for Ovidrel (trigger shot) that will be given once one or more follicles is big enough for ovulation.
So I know some of you are thinking Clomid=twins, right?!?!?! Well it's actually only a 10% chance. But it is a possibility! Crazy because the thought of twins before made me want to cry (in fear). Now I really don't care. If it takes having two at once to have a baby, then that's what it is. I think Chris is a little too excited about the whole twin possibility, though. Of course he doesn't have to give birth to both of them! lol
Oh and I also have an Accupuncture appt. Wednesday! I have heard so many good things about it from people that go for all different things, so I figured what the heck! I'll give anything a shot at this point.
So our journey continues, and we thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will update again soon!

and so it is.....

Big Fat fricken Negative! You would think after seeing this so often the past months it would come as no surprise. Especially since the AF cramps that started Wednesday night were not disguising them self in the least. Also the fact that I am 14DPO today and have absolutely NO symptoms. I know, I know. They say every PG is different, but what I do know is that my last two PG my boobs became sore & swollen at least a day or two before I got a BFP. Also the cramps I had were slightly different than AF cramps. Our last PG I tested on 13DPO which I was actually a day late for AF (remember how i mentioned "O"ing late in my cycle). Well this was earlier "O" for me so I am 14DPO and AF is due today or tomorrow. That is if she still comes on time or not due to the lovely Progesterone.
Anyhow I had told myself I would not POAS this month. Especially since the dr does not want you to because of the HCG shot they gave me. This can give you a false + if still in your system. But my shot was 12 days ago and I was given a low dose so it should be out of my system. I figured if I did get a BFP I would not get my hopes up too high until my blood was drawn Monday. And as much as I still hoped I was totally wrong and that this would be a PG with no symptoms at first, I think I knew it would be a BFN. It is actually a bit ridiculous how "tuned in" to my body I have become since the miscarriage! (as some of you women who read this can totally relate) Every little twitch, cramp, probably even air bubbles I feel!! Most women who are Fertile won't even realize they even are PG until they finally notice AF never came. They will tell you it take's months to have any PG symptoms. And any woman dealing with IF or recurrent miscarriages will tell you just the opposite! Symptoms can actually start as soon as implantation happens and when you become so aware of your body you also become very aware of early symptoms. Or lack of.
I just want SO bad to see those two lines again. Those silly two lines that would bring a stream of tears to my eyes. Those silly two lines I could show Chris that would bring that smile to his face I have seen before..... I hate that I haven't been able to give him a baby yet! And he hates when I think that way! I know he is also now getting anxious to be a Daddy. I yearn to see that lil flicker on the screen instead of the new blank one's I have come accustomed to. The sign of life you created....
I am just sad, angry but most of all scared. Scared of how long our Journey might be or what it may involve. And I HATE when people say, "well you know you can get PG at least". Yes, thanks for reminding me. I do. And we saw where that got us! That is what scares me the most. Is that once I do get PG there is no guarantee that we get to keep the next one either. I feel better about our possible outcome now that we are seeing an RE. But they are also only human & can't tell you anything for sure. The world of Infertility is just so unpredictable. And I just try not to let myself think about that possibility. It becomes too much to think about TTC for so long and then having that happen again.
I am just forever thankful that I have someone like Chris, who has been more than there for me, to be taking this Journey in our life with. As one woman said, my yellow brick road has some major potholes, but together we can make it to the end. Whatever that holds for us.
And as guilty as I feel for being like this, as I have read of so many women who's Journeys are far worse than ours so far, today I will allow myself my "Why us?!?!" day. Then tomorrow I will shake it off and pray again for next month to be our time....
Again thank you all for your thoughts & prayers. It is nice to know we have so many that want a baby for us as much as we do! ♥

********************UPDATE**************************************
Just got home from work and lovely AF was here to greet me. Called RE's office and they still want me to come in Monday morning. Funny how the sight of the wicked witch still brought a tear to my eye. Guess even after seeing a BFN we still hold on to some hope that just maybe......
Well I am now going to sit on my couch, maybe have the hubby make us some White Russians, and turn my heating pad WAY up!! My lower back has been killing me AGAIN today all day! As it has been on & off all month for the last 4 months! (another thing to discuss again with RE on monday) Hope everyone has a good weekend.

& the wait just doesn't get easier...

So today I went in for..........that's right, more blood!! lol One women's blog that I follow referred to the nurse at the RE's office like our own personal vampire. You go in, she smile's as she tells you to have a seat, she proceeds to take some more blood again and then smile's and says, " see you next week!" The irony some of us find in our Infertility. They say you just gotta keep laughing!
I also had another ultrasound done today too. To check out my lining, which dr. said looked great!! Now if only my lil eggie would plant itself firmly in it that would be just dandy!!
So now the 1ww wait has officially begun! And yet again with the waiting game! Gotta love it. I am supposed to go Monday for my blood test to check for a BFP or BFN. Now I normally would be getting AF Friday or Saturday, but because of the lovely Progesterone I may not get it until I stop taking it. So if it's negative I am to stop the Progesterone Monday. Grrrr!!! This annoys me just a tad bit! Don't get me wrong, pretty much the whole month I do a little "stay away" AF chant. But if I'm not PG, which means she's coming anyways, then I would rather the ole winch show her bloody self sooner than later! So we can start the whole process over again.
And so we wait....
I often wonder about some of these women that have been TTC for 2, 3 even 4+ years! Does the 2ww ever get any easier?? I little less anxious maybe?? A little less mind tricks? Like do you still wake up every morning & pinch your boobs in hope that they hurt?? Or feel a little pinch (probably was gas) and think, ohh was that implantation?? Or feel a little more tired one evening, so maybe I'm PG?? But after reading a lot of these other blogs dealing with IF, it seems like the woman who has been TTC for 3 years is just as anxious as the one trying for 7 months!
To think it really never gets easier.....It is sad and I am beginning to understand why some of these women eventually look into adoption after 3,4, 5 years of IF becoming there only lives with their numerous appt's, drugs, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI's, failed IVF's, hundreds to thousands in money spent. And waiting, thinking, waiting..... It's crazy this new world I've come to see on our Journey. These women are just so strong for going through all this for so many years. The drugs alone are just so body/mind altering. They play with your emotions so bad. Like you already are PG, but instead of looking at the ultrasound of your beautiful growing child and knowing it's so worth it, you look at a blank screen as the dr. tells you yet again....I'm sorry, it didn't happen this month. A friend said to me recently, "I don't know how you do the wait every month!" I'm so impatient I hate even waiting at red light!" That's just the thing though, I am not a patient person either!! I hate it! But I do my best because I have learned the hard way that dwelling too much doesn't help the situation at all either. You will start to go crazy. And when I do start to feel too sorry for myself, I think about the other women. Who's situations are far worse than mine. Who only have one Fallopian tube, have a Unicorn shaped uterus, have severe Endometrioses, have had five un-explained miscarriages, have had still births at 16wks, 20wks and sometimes carried to full term and lost the baby!! And then on top of some of that have a husband who has a condition with little or no quality sperm! There is so much more but most will not understand what they all mean so I'm not going to go on and on about all that.
And this is why I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. So I look on the brighter side and try to make it through another month feeling hopeful.
Well time to go do my "stay away AF chant!" ;o) Wish us luck yet again!
(btw if you look to the left and down you will see I put a fertility lingo chart for some that have requested it! now maybe you will understand at least half of what i talk about! ;o))

A little Progesterone can't hurt, right?!?!

Today is CD19 for me. Ahhhh this dreaded 2ww still doesn't get any easier this 5th month of TTC since the miscarriage. So as I mentioned in my last blog I went Monday for my HCG "booster" shot to help the corpus luteum. Then I started the Progesterone Suppositories Tuesday morning. Yay me!!!!! Totally joking! These have to be takin twice a day and are just plain nasty! I was warned by a few of you that have taken these about the "leakage" problem, to say the least!! It's like having a white period, but for two weeks. && then only to be replaced by your red period!! To top it off yesterday I started having some off and on cramping. By evening it was almost constant. Today it is almost always there just comes in waves. Called and spoke with the nurse to ask her about this being related to the Progesterone. She said it could but usually lil cramps not that often. I then told her about my IBS and she said that the higher levels of Progesterone could def. be causing the IBS to flair up. So I am to call tomorrow if it is still really bothering me. We will see. I already have my appt. Monday for blood work (to check hormone levels again) & another ultrasound (to make sure lining looks good for poss implantation) so I really don't wanna go in tomorrow and then again Monday. So gonna try and tuff it out and just talk with him about it Monday. ARRGGHH!!!
But we are hoping the wicked AF stays away and then I think I will hate the progesterone a lot less!! This is ALL worth it for baby. Now if AF does show her wicked self, well let's just say with all these extra hormone's, lovely leakage and nasty cramps......I better just stay inside by myself for the day!!! ;o)~ Get a bottle of wine and some Cold Stone ice cream, as a good friend said to me today! I'm still praying for you too "L"!
Well time to go pop in my Progesterone! haha Update again next week! Thanks for all the support of our friends and family! And again for the very sweet email Olivia!! (i never knew you were so good @ expressing yourself sista! i had to post it here so i can always see it when I look back on these posts once we have our lil angel with a smile on my face)
I wish I could wave a little magic wand on your belly's and **poof**!! but these Dr.'s (well most) seem to know what they are doing. I notice since you started with this new Dr your emails are allot more positive and allot less doubtful. I'm really happy about that. I hate seeing you /reading that your always hurting inside. Some times I never know weather to write back because I never know what to say. It's such a personal feeling and no one can never know that feeling unless you are going through it. I'm just happy all you ladies never give up. This is definitely an emotional roller coaster and could never fathom the pain and stress it must cause. This is why women are built stronger (emotionally) because men would have just fell apart by now. Keep sending me these updates because I do read them all and sometimes I don't reply because I don't know the right thing to say. So don't ever stop!!

You know I'm not very ummmm.. into faith or stuff but..

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.Your dreams are miracles. and when you two become PG it will be your own little miracles. Crazy how going through this makes you believe in so many different things. Not everything happens so easily and so fast for everyone. and it's amazing how we all thought when we were little that PG happens with a snap of a finger.. You are going to be even more of amazing mom after all this. Loving something you don't even know yet. Wanting something so much you will get poked and prodded everywhere and throw all your emotions and energy into a little future rainbow baby. So hopefully now that you are further along with this Dr and the procedures things will start looking up for you. and hopefully soon for some exciting news. So you know that when that happens your going to have a bunch of crying girls around you. : ) happy tears.!! Well atleast I know I will.. ; )

Well I love you Nicole. You are my best-friend and my (un-biological) sister. You hurt I hurt. So don't ever give up and always stay positive. (the best you can). Keep that head up my sista!! Your doing great.

~Olivia

You are my un-biological sister, like you said, and I hope the pain will end soon too & be filled w/the pure bliss of our baby!! And they can meet their Aunt Liv!

It's a Follicle!!

So I went this morning (CD 13 for me) and they did mid-cycle bloodwork and also an ultrasound to check my follicles. I had a nice one on the right side that measured 16mm. Now I usually don't ovulate until CD 16 so he decided to wait on the shot of Ovidrel. So I was supposed to give it to myself tomorrow @ midnight and OF COURSE Chris is on shift!!

There is no way I am giving myself a shot in the stomach!!!!! I WILL pass out and then there will be this needle hanging out of my stomach! Ewww!!
I hate needles. The pain I don't mind cause I know with such a little needle there will be none. I swear people still don't understand how I have 3 tattoos and two are pretty big! If you notice, though, they are in places I can't or can barely see. So I didn't watch at all of course! lol

So anywayz back to my visit. I was happy the nice follie was on the right side this time. This may sound stupid to some of you, but not a big fan of my left side. I have that Mittelschmerz where you can feel when you ovulate. My left side seems to be the more dominate side that I usually ovulate from and also happens to be the side I ovulated from with our last PG that ended in the miscarriage. So in my crazy head I feel like my left ovary is the rotten side. Yes I have become a little crazy since the miscarriage! ;o}
After the shot on Saturday night I was to go back Tuesday morning to get a "booster" shot of HCG and then start the Progesterone. Then the following Tuesday I would go for blood work again to check hormone levels to make sure they are normal for the Luteal Phase. Also they will do another vaginal ultrasound to check and make sure the Endometrial lining is good & ready for implantation (which would be aroung this time). And then the following week comes the PG test if (fingers & toes crossed) AF does not show her ugly head before!
Now let's fast forward to about 4:30pm. Got a call from my Dr's office. Change of plans. Blood work from this morning showed a rise in hormone levels which means ovulation process has already started!! WOW this is early for me. Hoping this is good?? So too late for the shot tomorrow. Instructions now are....a little TMI here.....have sex tonight, then again tomorrow before Chris leaves for work (@6:30am!!!!) and then again Sunday when he gets off shift. Of course he works Saturday when I will probably ovulate. This ought to be interesting seeing I'm such the morning person! ;o]~ So then I go for the booster shot Monday and then the follow up visit the following Monday and then PG test. So now the 2ww begins again....

Hopeful

So today we went to see Dr. Gelman again to go over all our tests from last month and discuss our next "plan of action".
I called Chris to let him know I was leaving work since he would be meeting me their.
Chris: "Are you anxious?"
Me: "A little, why??"
Chris: "Cause I am!"
A smile crept across my face. Of course I was anxious!! I'm always the anxious one and Chris is always telling me to relax. I know he will be a great Daddy and I think he is ready for that journey in our lives. Not that he wasn't 8 months ago when our journey began, but i guess you really have time to think about things as the months crawl by. Stupid, but that little moment was touching to me...
So back to our visit. Results were all good. Prolactin went down after being re-tested. Which means it was probably high the first time from stress. Which I was just a little stressed the beginning of last month because of all the tests we had to have done and also Chris's surprise party coming up. Stress can sometimes cause elevated levels. (i know some of you are thinking, well then mine should be elevated all the time! haha!)
Also my AMH (ovarian reserve) was a bit low. Should be between 2.8 & 4.0 for my age and mine is 2.4. Not horrible, he said, but not where he would like it to be. Which could be another possible factor for the miscarriage. Could have been a low quality egg. Chris's jokes about rotten eggs are no longer so humorous!
We also talked again about the pains I have been having which he still thinks could be mild Endometrioses. Or it might not be. At this time he does not feel I should be scoped (the only way to 100% diagnose Endo) as this is a surgical procedure where they go in through your belly button. If things were to get worse and my periods became very irregular then we would have to reconsider.
So plan of action for this month.
Today is CD 10. Continue taking Folbic for MTHFR along with prenatals.
Friday-(CD 13)I go in for an ultrasound and blood work. Depending on the size of my follicles I will get a shot of HCG. If they are not big enough yet (since I normally don't "O" until CD 16-17) I will go back on Monday for the shot. (was your shot covered by insurance Lori??)
After ovulation (which happens within 36 hours of shot, so as my dr says, "Go have a party!" if you get his meaning ;o}) I will start on Progesterone.
My levels have always been good but it is something that can't hurt & can only help. My dr. really wants this baby to stick, which is what we want more than anything! So I say bring it!
One week after the HCG shot I will go again for bloodwork to check and see how my hormone levels are and then the following week for blood again to see if this is our lucky month!
Chris said he is very excited about this month. I am very hopeful as I always am after leaving his office. He really makes you feel like he will make it possible to have a healthy full term PG one day!
And so we wait again....

Happy Independence Day!

Hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th of July! Being our 1st year in our new home we decided to stay in and have a few people over for the 4th. Not one of our usual big party's, just a few close friends that stayed in town this weekend to watch the fireworks with. Or those that made it until the fireworks started. ;o) no names will be mentioned. lol