One of the worst days of my life...

One year ago today I woke up with a horrible feeling of fear. I had experienced cramps before I went to bed that just didn't seem right. At the time I was supposed to be 7 weeks so I tried to tell myself they were just more growing pains. After seeing our lil beans heart beat a week earlier I finally was trying to let myself relax as everyone had been telling me to do. I started to also believe what everyone kept telling me, that my 1st miscarriage was just a fluke and that everything would be fine this time. That I need to stop worrying so much. And so I did. I started to believe that we were actually going to have a baby. And of course I fell in love after we saw that little flicker anyways.
But that morning I knew something just didn't feel right. Sure enough I got up and went to the bathroom only to find a light brown spotting on the toilet paper. Looking back it was then that I knew, but still tried to remain hopeful. Chris and my mom told me to try not to worry and just call the doctor once they opened at 9am. That many women experience spotting in their pregnancy. Which is true. But spotting for me has only meant something bad. Even with this pregnancy I never had any spotting or blood. Only implantation spotting before I knew I was even PG.
So I went to work and called their office once they opened. The nurse took my information and said she would call me back after talking to my doctor. My doctor knew I was worried in the beginning of this PG because of my previous miscarriage. So I wasn't surprised when the nurse called back to tell me my doctor said I could come in around 2pm for a quick scan to make sure everything was still fine.
By the time I left my office to go to the doctor the spotting was still there. Chris met me at the office. I felt like a statue sitting there as we waited to be called back. Luckily we didn't have to wait too long. The ultrasound tech at their office called us back. She had done my scan the week earlier when we were able to see our lil beans heartbeat. She asked me to empty my bladder (since we were doing a vaginal ultrasound). I went into the bathroom and when I wiped there it was....red blood. Still just spotting but now bright red. I didn't even need the ultrasound. I knew. I walked out of the bathroom and told Chris before she came back in that I was now bleeding and we had lost our baby. At that moment the tech walked back in and started the scan. I kept my head turned the whole time as I knew what she was about to find. Or not find. She found our lil bean, but unfortunately there was no longer a heartbeat. And apparently hadn't been for a few days as lil bean measured only 6 wks 3 days. The rest of the visit was a blur to me at the time, yet I still remember it so well. She asked if I wanted to see and I said no. She apologized and said she had to ask as some women want to see for closure. I just couldn't do it. At this point tears were already streaming down my face. She then put us in a room to speak with my doctor. When she came in she said she was very sorry. That she really thought this was a good pregnancy as my numbers had been so great and heartbeat had been perfect last week.
And yet my littlest Angel grew wings. A friend sent me this shortly after. Every angel gets their wings, some just need them sooner than we are ready for. So very true. Today, my littlest angel, I just want you to know Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and loved you very much for those few short weeks you were with us. You may not have been a perfectly formed baby yet, but we saw your tiny little beating heart. The heart of the life your Mommy and Daddy created. And we know if you can see us now that you are so happy you will have a sister soon!! And we can't wait to meet her!!! She will already have an angel looking out for her as soon as she is here. You my littlest angel. We love you. ♥

The plague & goodbye 2nd trimester! :o{

Last Sunday started out the week horribly. After just getting over a cold last month I woke up with what felt like glass pieces in the throat, horrible congestion and the worst (for me) chest congestion. I say the worst for me because I grew up with chronic bronchitis and daily breathing treatments. BUT I assumed I finally outgrew that as I have not had bronchitis or had to do a breathing treatment in probably 4-5 years.
I just couldn't believe I had everything in a matter of hours. Usually I start a cold with the sore throat, then as that starts to fade the nasal congestion. Which usually ends at that since as I said I haven't had a cold go into my chest in years. Not so lucky this time. Monday I went to work for a half day and came home and did my first breathing treatment. I was waiting to call my Dr.'s office to be sure I could use the Albuterol for the treatments. He said that was fine and to call back if it didn't help. So for the rest of the week I did a breathing treatment twice a day and used my saline nasal spray. I did have a slight fever Sunday and Monday night but it never got over a 100 which is what they say you have to watch for when pregnant. Being allergic to Tylenol I was not able to take that either. So I just used cold compresses and tried to sleep

By Thursday I was still not doing much better so after much harassment from my Mom and Chris I called my Dr. again and made an appt. for Friday. Which I'm glad I ended up doing. Apparently they don't take bronchitis mixed with pregnancy lightly. He started me on an antibiotic and said to continue the breathing treatments. If I get worse over the weekend go the the ER. Well as of today I am still wheezing but I know from the past that bronchitis doesn't go away over night, even with treatment. So I continue my meds and breathing treatments. My last dose of antibiotic will be Wednesday. My Dr. had asked what I used to take when I would get bronchitis and I said I honestly don't remember. It had been so long. He smiled a little and said that's what pregnancy can do to you. I'm beginning to understand. I haven't had a cold this bad in years!! And I take my prenatals every day!! I now completely understand why doctors wanted their pregnant patients to get the Swine flu vaccine and am so happy I did. If I have gotten this sick from just a common cold/flu I would for sure have ended up in the hospital if I would have caught the Swine, being that it is horrible on the respiratory system.
I really was upset about having to take the antibiotic,though. It's just there is nothing that is really 100% safe to take during PG. Category B just means safer. Even Tylenol, although most Dr.'s will tell you is ok to take, is not 100% proven to be fine. It's also Category B. But like my Mom said, I will be hurting baby more if I end up in the hospital with pneumonia. And I know she is right, I just still hate that I got sick and have to take something. :*(

We missed our weekly Bradley class Monday which stinks. We will have to catch up as we can during tomorrows class. I also missed my yoga class and might not even be able to make this week's class either if I'm still wheezing bad. Love my yoga class & hate to miss it. :-[
So this past Friday marked week 27 of pregnancy and according to one book, What to Expect When Your Expecting, this is the last week of the 2nd trimester. Yet another of my book says week 27 starts the 3rd trimester. Either way I can't believe we are in the final trimester!!
Lil Pea has become so strong. She makes my whole belly move when she is active. I showed Chris the other night and said she is playing the drums. One side of my belly will pop out and then the other. Jam session! lol I love poking back at her to see if she is in the mood to play and kick back.

27 weeks also means only 3 more weeks until we get to see her again during our 3/4D ultrasound!! They say the best time to get these done is between 28-32 weeks before baby get's too big. I have to friends who went at 30 weeks and said it was perfect.
I am sooooooo excited for this. We haven't seen her in 3D since she was 7 weeks old @ the RE's office. And then it was too early to really see anything. I am so excited to see her lil nose and lips.

This week we also have an appointment Thursday evening for the Hospital orientation. It was the only class we could make that Chris wasn't on shift until the end of March. By then I would be over 32 weeks and we wanted to make sure we did this class before then. Just in case.

I really hope for my next post I can tell you all I am feeling great and have finally ridden myself of this plague! ;-} For now I will continue my meds, breathing treatments and saline nasal spray and hope for NO MORE SICK DAYS during this pregnancy. I mean seriously, twice in one pregnancy is enough!

26 wks & A different kind of survey

*New pics also added to Baby Girls bedroom album which you can find when you click on Nicole & Chris's Albums on blog*

Q/ Less than halfway to go! How have you liked being pregnant?

A/Well the first 16 weeks weren't as good as some women I know have had it. Unfortunately I had nausea 24 hours a day. But for me it was like my security blanket for knowing Lil Pea was still growing strong, so I would have to say the nausea part is really not bad for women who have suffered early losses. Also I only actually got sick twice and have two friends who had it A LOT worse so I count my blessings.

Now everything to me just seems so amazing, especially feeling her kicks & movements every day. Things have changed as we get closer & closer. I feel like time is flying by now and I need every second! There's just so much to do before the baby comes. And we can't wait to meet her!

Q/Has there been anything that really surprises you??

A/ The changes your body goes through. It's scary and amazing at the same time! The whole experience is just incredible. I really just still can't wrap my head around it, that there is a tiny baby living and growing inside me.

Also the heavy responsibility's you feel before the baby is even here. Like whether to get the swine flu vaccine. Working in the health care field I got mine right away. Is anything safe even when they say it is approved?? Some things still even say to avoid Tylenol yet your Dr. tells you it's fine. Can I eat that Laspadas Sub or will I really get listeriosis?? She really seems to want one! ;-) All these decisions before she is even here! I'm already beginning to truly realize that is what being a parent is, never again waking up without worrying about something.

Q/What have you been doing for exercise during your pregnancy?

A/Honestly not as much as I thought I would. I always said when I got pregnant I would still work out 4-5 days a week. Well that was before 24 hour nausea came knocking on my door! During those 16 weeks I would go for occasional walks. I also did a few pregnancy workout DVD's. I did start last month going to yoga every Tuesday. I love it! Also hit the gym for the first time in forever this week. Just to do the elliptical and catch up on some baby magazine reading. I have been trying to walk and do little things here and there as much as I have time for now.

Q/And how do you plan to get back into shape afterward?

A/I have definitely already thought of this. But realize after my plan didn't work so well during pregnancy we will see what motherhood allows. Plus, since unfortunately I will not be able to be a stay at home Mom, I want to spend as much time as I can with her when I'm not at work. I can't wait to put her in a jogger and go up to the park for an hour of walking! And Mommy and Me classes, can't wait for that either!

Q/Let's talk about food: Have you had any strange cravings or aversions?

A/Aversions?? In the beginning with the nausea there were A LOT! Now things haven't been as bad. I still have horrible indigestion that I have had since 10 weeks so I do try to avoid a lot of certain foods that make this worse. As far as cravings I honestly really haven't had any. Does chocolate milk count? Ever since I became pregnant I have to have my cup of chocolate milk a day. Literally. I always liked milk, but just plain milk. Now it has to be some chocolate milk also. And of course the subs that I try to avoid but have caved and had a few.

Q/Is having children something you always wanted?

A/No. When I was younger I used to think I might never want children. I wasn't one of those girls that grew up with her whole wedding planned and names picked out. Which is probably why she still doesn't have a name. ;-)

Once I met Chris and we got married we knew we wanted at least one child. And then after everything we had to go through the past year to be here with a little 2 pound baby growing in my belly, it's just everything I realized I ever wanted.

Q/What kind of Mom do you think you are going to be?

A/Such a serious question. lol One thing I know for sure, she is going to be SO loved this little girl. By her Mommy and Daddy. Chris and I are as ready as we can be. Parenting is quite a job. Your handed this perfect little baby and your job is to keep her safe and raise her to be the best person she can! So yes I'd like to think I will be a good Mom.

Q/Do you have a birth plan?

A/My goal is to go as natural as possible. The Bradley classes we are taking now I am hoping will really help make this possible. But I am also very realistic. I have several friends and family who have recently had children. Advice I have been given and realize is to have a plan, then be prepared to let it all go. Every women's body and every baby and childbirth will never be the same. So we are open to playing it by ear.

Q/Will you breastfeed?

A/Yes. It has never crossed my mind not to at least try. I have read and heard from other mothers what a great bonding experience it is, as well as being something so great that you are giving your baby. I also have read and heard from several mothers how truly hard it can be in the beginning and how much of a life style change it can be.

It is a very individual decision, but for me I'm convinced to give it my all.

Q/What about going back to work?

A/Ahhh!! Thinking about this already gives me anxiety and she is not even here. But unfortunately I do have to go back to work. At 6 weeks. I am lucky enough that I will be able to take her to work with me for at least the first 6 months on Thursdays and Fridays. So I guess that is kind of like going back part time for a while. I hope those stay at home Mommy's realize how lucky they are! I would love to do the Yoga with baby class along with several others but unfortunately can't as those classes are during the work week. I am glad to learn from a friend that there is a Mommy and Me class on Saturdays at a place right near our house!

Nothing else new really. We do have some exciting stuff coming up, though! We scheduled a date to have our Maternity pics taken. February 28th! Now I need to find something to wear! We are going to a park to take them. Also next month is my 30th B-day!! Yikes!! We are just gonna have a few people over the house for some pizza and beer. Well, no beer for me but I surely will have some pizza! :-)

Also since I am now 26 weeks we are going to schedule to have our 3/4D pics taken soon of baby girl. I have been told by a couple ultrasound techs that the best time is between 28 wks and 32 wks before baby gets too big and squished to get good pics. So we will probably have that done the end of February too. Such an exciting month coming up, I can't wait. Also our shower is just around the corner. March 6th. So exciting!!!

**Don't forget to check out new pics of her room. It's really coming along just how I wanted it too! I hope she loves it cause we do!**